I've been cursing more lately.... and, when it comes down to it, sometimes I don't like hearing the words that come out of my own mouth. So I think I'll be more careful about it....anywayz, it seems that bad language leads to bad moods with me. Or it lets them have more of a grip on me.

I was talking with a good friend yesterday night....talking about how we feel really alone alot of times. Even when we're with other Christians...

And sometimes, we wonder if maybe we're just being too extreme or overzealous. If all the purpose and mission we put into our lives is just a farce....

But this is what we wanted. It's something we prayed for.

Ever prayed for something before?

In my philosophical inquiry and utterly feeling lost in misery and depravity, I said, "God, even if you have to destroy everything my life is built upon, and destroy my faith, humble me to nothing, I don't care. I want to know you, and I want to really know what it's about. I want the truth."

I guess this is the path to what I want. To what I really want. To somehow thread the line between being real and being worldly.... loving God and being religious......of knowing it's important to care, but not important to find the answers...... it's what I wanted. And God has crushed me again and again.....

It's just awesome. Overwhelming......but amazing.

Somehow, I think there must come a point for the few where life and the world we live in becomes worthless. And at that moment, we can't settle.... or tell ourselves we're being silly, and that the world is something. In that moment, God's calling us home, and reminding us that this world is not our home anyway.

Whatever it takes. Even if I have to feel like a damn alien my entire life.

So I think God's been teaching me to give up each thing to Him....... my friendships, my family, my hopes and dreams.....

Each time, I give it up, and He's given it back in His own time, after I've learned to love God even if I don't get what I want.

He's teaching me to just want Him.

I think that's why I'm single. I still.....I still haven't really laid that down on the altar. I haven't put it to death and said, "God, I don't give a damn. If I have to be single forever, so be it. I will follow You anyway." I think within me lies this want for companionship which still sometimes exceeds my need for God.

Too easy to fall in love and make a god out of the second best thing. Yeah. This is something I need to pray alot about this summer.

Holy Crapola it's spring time. People just expressing them feelings left and right.

I'm pretty damn melodramatic.

Things....they are moving today. I sat down and had some more confession w/ God, Jonathan Edwards style. (see earlier entry) It's too easy to just say, "forgive me Lord." Alot harder to name them one by one, or as detailed as you can. But it helps alot more too.

I feel like there are two parts of me now.... the ideal and the real, some might say.

I was not drunk yesterday, all you people. Just a little headache and flushed complexion.

Still, I know in some sense I drank because I wanted to just kinda relax a bit... which is bad. I've gotten in the habit recently of just wanting to relieve stress and my issues with things like drinking instead of God. Not good. There are slight cravings in me for it. That's actually not good at all.

I become afraid sometimes that my life has no purpose, and that I am a psychotic over-zealous pharisee who cannot escape the confines of my own spiritual world that I have created in my head through my imagination. Makes me afraid. Because in my head there are all these things I know I gotta do and get ready for.....plans....dreams....

But somewhere at the very bottom, there is an insistent voice that says I cannot let these things go, or give up trying to live life in this way.

God is so real... all those tales of the people who bow and worship.... they gotta be real. So real that a glimpse enough of Him will create psychotic behavior, I think. That's my theory.

Relief...then anger again. Despair.

Back feeling like a pile of dung. Why? Why?

I think I am beginning to uncover why. But I cannot say for sure.

I am losing hope, above all. I think that is the main thing. I am beginning to think that I've been deluding myself about this life. About myself. About what is possible for people. About the things God has called me to.

Makes me want to kinda lay down my arms. Not be so "hardcore" about it. Relax. Have a ball. Enjoy life. Ask out a girl or something. Maybe not try so hard to love God, and be there all the time in His love and feeling the deepest love I can for Him and for others.

Encouragement sent to me by Ina Kwon, from the devotional "my utmost":
If we do only what we feel inclined to do, some of us would do nothing forever and ever. There are unemployables in the spiritual domain, spiritually decrepit people, who refuse to do anything unless they are supernaturally inspired. The proof that we are rightly related to God is that we do our best whether we feel inspired or not.
One of the great snares of the Christian worker is to make a fetish of his rare moments. When the Spirit of God gives you a time of inspiration and insight, you say - "Now I will always be like this for God." No, you will not, God will take care you are not. Those times are the gift of God entirely. You cannot give them to yourself when you choose. If you say you will only be at your best, you become an intolerable drag on God; you will never do anything unless God keeps you consciously inspired. If you make a god of your best moments, you will find that God will fade out of your life and never come back until you do the duty that lies nearest, and have learned not to make a fetish of your rare moments."

That makes sense. Excpet sometimes, I don't want a rare moment... just enough to get me through the day.

Well, not just enough. I think right now I'm getting "just enough," because I haven't flipped out and given up yet....I want just enough so I can be semi-stable and do some school work and make it through the day.

Ok. So it takes everything I got left to not drop everything and give up this crap.

God's saying "dig deeper." I gotta dig even deeper and find the strength to keep it up. It'll almost kill me, but I gotta do it again.

It almost killed me when I came to college all burned out from high school and found out that there wasn't a plethora of older brothers and sisters who were gonna take care of me. Almost killed me when I found out freshman and sophomore year that I was an awful Christian and a lost, stupid, messed up human being. Almost killed me to learn the hard way that God wanted me to stay single. And just when I begin to barely gather my wits about me, God puts new things in the way.... puts my friends through crap, makes it look like some of them close friends aren't gonna be around next year.....the steady conviction and desire to grow closer just gets zapped away.

But He never let me down before.... only taught me more, and brought me deeper. Nothing ever bad has come from these things. Only good.

So I have to dig deeper.

..........
.......
....
..
.

Ok....
I will.

Here we go.

Some relief today.

Hope today. Geez I was about to friggin die these past few days..... sometimes I think these times happen so that I know what it might be like if I had to fend for myself without the hope of God. My hope to live comes from God. Otherwise, I'm a big mess.

I can live today. I can breathe again. Relief.

Yeah so I'm just gonna try anyway. Gonna get outta here and try. It's the least I can do. It's the most I can do.

Here I come, world.

Reveling. More reveling.

So I wake up today at like 8 AM, take a shower, pretend like I'm gonna start the day, and when I try to read some Bible I go back to sleep until 2 PM. Which has no reason behind it, because I've been sleeping 8 hours or more every night. So I miss class, and I"m not doing anything still.

I don't want to see anyone.

Why can't it leave me alone. I'm just trying to finish up school and live for God.

What is "it"? I don't know.

Sometimes I think it is external factors. Some people say "suck it up." Like it's that easy. Assholes.

My mind is darkened right now. I can feel it. I will try to pray again.

NOTE: I look back on this entry, and realize I am a little out of my mind. Do not be offended. I will be fine.

When the stress and frustration builds, I do anything to forget about myself.

People. I try to put myself around people so I can forget about myself. You'll do anything to forget about yourself. Anything.

Music, TV, anger, lust, pride.... anything.

To be rid of yourself.... yeah we just wish. We just wish for a few moments we could be rid of ourselves.

Makes you want a girlfriend, b/c with then you might forget about yourself and think about them.

Makes you want to get angry, so you can feel good at least in some way.

So In despair, I will not to be myself ....Kierkegaard.

Shit. I can't stand this crap.

At least I am turning to God instead of trying to do away with my despair through music or any of the other crap I do when I feel lonely and annoyed. I just put the guitar down, and yell in my apartment alone. Yell at God. How I can't stand anything....

I've been ignoring it. My anger. My frustration. My tiredness. It would creep up when I was alone, so I would try to shove it away, and pretend it wasn't there. Then I would go chill with people and pretend to be happy happy go lucky.

God, why does it have to be this way? I'll never know. I know You're worth it... but I am so tired. I am so sick of trying to do this. Do I have to do this my whole life? Just the endless quest to know you? la la la la endless. Forever endless crap crap crap crap.

We never get what was promised. Just gotta believe, eh? Technically not a leg to stand on. Just the faith that holds us into place. Hope in a place we've never been, to be in a place with a person we've never seen. Oh yeah. So sound.

So foolish. And I can't let it go either. Nothing separates me. I cannot escape.

Not that I would want to anyway.

But what the hell.

I am so tired of being tired. Of the endless cycles. Of putting up with myself. I can't run away. I can't do anything.

Somehow you gotta clamp down. Have hope. Not give up, right? Woo hoo. Never give up. Never surrender.

Fool. i am a fool.

Makes you want to say, "Fuck it!" To hell with it.

Ooohh.......where is sensitive 1-ho now. Where is nice boy mike? Mike? 1-ho? I don't even have a damn name. I get two and people take their pick. That makes me sick too. makes me damn sick.

And then I take a few breaths........take a few breaths........and I relax a little now.

I think what frustrates me is that this year did not start this way. It wasn't this hard..... and my walk with God was so different. I feel like going to school saps it outta me........I had such a great summer....... with so much quality time to grow and to spend time with people...... and when I got to school things were great. They were awesome, really. I grew so much....it was really really great.

But all the crap builds up...honestly, I don't think people should be this busy. No one gets time alone, no one gets time to deal, no one gets time to do what they need to do... college makes you stay up and do work, meet way too many people, spread yourself too thin.....what need is there for that? How does that help you grow as a person? It just makes a whole bunch of kids miserable.

These are the supposed defining years of our lives.....oooh great. Great great great great great.

It's just wrong, really. Totally wrong. We should take 2 classes and spend most of our time with people gleaning what we can from meaningful friendships and maybe a few philosophy classes. Oh yeah that would be the life.

I hate the way things are. I wish they would change. I know they won't.

Self-inflicted business....self-inflicted misery.

Ok that's enough. I will pray more, I guess. I shouldn't revel in this. It's wrong. Pray for peace from the Holy Spirit, right?

Right?

Right?

Right.

Of course, what is learning without mistakes. Even immediate ones.

It seems I'm falling off doing this.

These days my thoughts have become increasingly private...... why? I don't know. They deal with people increasingly, and so that is a partial reason.

This is a bit private.....I dunno. I am starting to feel like I shouldn't share these things... perhaps I won't. Perhaps the online journal days are over.

You know, it seems that the next few weeks are going to be quite difficult to get through. I sometimes feel like I've "been through so much" this year, but what do I have to show for it?

Things that are the same:
I still miss class.
I still am always late.
I'm irresponsible.
I say really dumbass things to people and get them mad.
I always crave attention.
I still feel lost sometimes.
I never know what's going on.
I always get hurt by people real easily.
I get real full of myself to try to ease the pain.

Then again....what is different? Alot.

I love God more now.
I clean my apartment semi-regularly.
I don't mind as much doing things that people don't give me credit for.
I trust God more and get less anxious.
I don't take myself too seriously, 'cause I know I'm screwed up.
I respect others more.
My instability of heart is not as long and not as mindless.
I have a small, semi-rational control of my heart even in states of extreme mental anguish/insanity.

Lastly, I am sure that God has a plan for my life. He hasn't shown me what it is yet, but I can see exactly how He is preparing me. He's bringing people into my life at exactly the right times, and is teaching me things when I need to learn them. I know exactly what I need to do with my life now, at least, and the future does not matter as much.

Periodically I forget He is training me and getting me ready, and I lose vision and focus... I start thinking life is too big, and bigger than God.... and then He comes and reminds me.

How do I describe it? I can't. It's like...this feeling of God reminding me of what He has done in me, of how He has healed me, of how He is molding me, and how He is preparing me to share it with others. Yesterday the reminder came during communion. I started praying for my friends... my family.... the people I knew needed God's help so much. It was so refreshing.

I don't mind not "feeling God" as much now.... b/c I know the reminders come... and in the back of my mind I know He's there, patiently teaching me to will, to live, to think, and to be.

Long road. But wouldn't have it any other way.

Ok.........so it's been two days. It feels like I haven't done this for a while.

Maybe I write in this thing when I'm bored.

Yeah... lately the depth of my thought has been blah.

Today, I was praying....and I had a hard time praying. I was trying to pray for my family, my close friends and whatnot, and it just wasn't happening. Then all of a sudden popped into my head someone that I knew but didn't really think or care much about.... so I prayed for that person. Then another one came.... and another.... and another..... and suddenly, I realized that I've been totally sinning by only praying for people who are close to me.... not caring about others who are in real need or who are struggling with things.... so heartless of me.

I think God might take away your ability to pray when you are praying for the wrong things, or when your prayers get so narrow minded that it is selfish and wrong....

So I prayed for people I knew but didn't care too much about today. You know, the people that you know and you say what's up to and you pretend like you're all chummy with them, but deep inside you kinda could care less if you saw them again or not.......Yeah.

So much sin in me. So subtle. I'm sitting there trying to do a "holy" sort of act by praying..... when in my heart is so much selfishness and a lack of love.

I feel totally lost sometimes.....in my faith, in my belief..... I sometimes don't know what's true at all. Everything kinda just seems unsure. It doesn't really make me despair... I mean, I'm not doubting God's hand on y life, but it just makes me feel lost nonetheless.

Colorgenics. I gave in and tried it out, after randomly checking lots of peoples' profiles and following a link. This is what my profile said.....how interesting:

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.
(Is this true? I would say so....except it's not just about a romantic relationship, but good, Christ-centered, friendships.)

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.
(You know, I don't like this one...because it obviously talks of placing self-esteem in the goals.... but this one hits me on the head too. It's something I'm trying to change, though. And breaking down the opposition. I feel that one all the way.)

There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.
(hahaha this first part is so true.... so true. errrr.....achieving satisfaction through physical activity..... is that exercise? I guess everyone can acheive that, right? I dunno. Maybe it's sex. Haven't had any of that though.)

You are frustrated and stressed. You appreciate the finer things in life but at all times you appear to stay aloof, critical of everything and everyone about you. You will not be carried away by your emotions and you refuse to trust anyone or any situation unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore, you keep a strict and watchful control on your feelings as you must know exactly where you stand at all times. You demand complete sincerity as a protection against your own tendency to be too trusting.
(I am pretty critical, I must say. HA. I have been endeavoring to keep the emotions in check through the intellect and philosophy. So true. And I am very untrusting of others' motives and hearts, because I do not trust my own. Keeping careful watch and control over my feelings and knowing where I stand..... can anyone say yellow notepads? But I do not think wanting sincerity is a bad thing. And I am not psychotic.)

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.
(Wow. Yeah...... I feel like that. Feeling abused by people. I don't think I was taken advantage of or mentally abused in a direct way.... .but maybe I perceived peoples' actions as that. And it makes me sick. Actually it pisses me off, because I know intentions weren't meant that way, but it sure hurts anyway.)

This is a pretty good thing here, this colorgenics thing. Except I think analyzing like this sometimes makes people take things less seriously. And it also makes people think they can't change their situation. And sometimes, the way you feel is wrong. I think the will should transcend some of the ways I feel which have displayed in this profile.

I am pretty amazed at the accuracy, though. Helps me admit certain things...and I think I can give these to God in prayer. But it also helps affirm that some of my motives are good.

The will is so weak.....oh so weak.

I am going to attempt to actually live life as I should a little more......in worship to God. So everything is worship. EVERYTHING.

My paper writing that I will continue to do soon is worship. My sleep habits... my personal hygeine. The cleanliness of my room. All the supposedly "unrelated things" are worship too. They are constant expressions of love..... or they are simply me taking control of my own world and wanting to be god. Or wanting to make something else into a god.

Sometimes I get really worried about people...... and you wonder....... we've been told not to be anxious.... and that makes sense, because God cares more for us and our friends than we do. So we're supposed to pray and give it up, and then not worry.

Someone shared their struggles with me yesterday.... I wish that things were easier sometimes.

Kreeft pointed out something in class, however.... he says that suffering is a part of happiness, technically. If you go back to ancient terms of it, happiness is found in the greatest good, and the greatest good is wisdom. And if wisdom does not come without suffering, then suffering is crucial to happiness. How interesting.

We are fallen, so we suffer. But we must not shrink from it. It will bring us closer to God, and teach us the fellowship of sufferings with Christ. This is making alot of sense these days. The suffering is all for the glory..... it's what we want. It's what brings us closer to Christ.

There's a new one. I dare say any of us like that yet..... who don't care about suffering so long as it brings us to Christ. THat's so hardcore. But it was what a Christian is. Either we're in, or we're out.

The Knight of Faith in Kierkegaard. That is what we must be. Believing these absurd things without wavering. No recoil. No reaction. We believe and trust in God.... and these things come to pass.

I wonder if that strength for these things actually exists in me. Yet it must. I must believe it today. Or at least believe that this is where I'm headed, full speed. The strength is not my own anyway. It comes from the Father.

Things went well..... and the concert as a whole ran really smoothly, even though it was a little long......over two and a half hours I think.

It's funny......when the music starts, I just kinda forget about everything... and it all goes well.

Yet I know there is a bit of satisfaction knowing that the song went well......why? I dunno. Recognition? Possibly. Also, though, because I think I was able to connect with people.... and maybe people got closer to God.

It's funny how people are different, but they are all the same.

I have paper to write.....things to do.....on with life.

I think this morning I realized that I've been so painfully shortsighted that it's been hard to get back into the swing of the things that are important.

Jesus week at BC started today...... things seem really great. Hope people make it to the concert tonight.

I suddenly feel dreadfully insecure about my music and the song I'm gonna do tonight.... I fear people may not like it... or get what I'm trying to say.... or ridicule me.

I am fear opening my heart in a place where people do not know me.... or where I am not "safe," like at church and whatnot. This is more open.... on campus. What if I am not sincere? What if I mess up? What if my music is just full of it?

But these fears and others surrounding tonight and Jesus week are wrong. They are from Satan... time to pray. I must not be afraid.

This is a refined scratchpad. I had a dream before I woke up... I started typing it in and realized it has alot of meaning and it's kinda personal...... so I will refrain telling it for now. The dream was "refined" out of this scratchpad until later.....or maybe until never.

However, I will say that I think I am a very messed person inside, and I have issues.

April 14 is a day for friends' birthdays. This is a "shout out" I suppose.

Happy birthday, Jenn! (even though i'm 2 hours late)

Also, of course I cannot forget the infamous Albert Kwon's birthday, which is also the day of April 14th. Sorry I couldn't make it to the desert outing, man.

OK so I didn't know anything about emo anyway. I take back what I wrote in the last journal.

Today's service was really really awesome......

I am so glad I go to NCPC..... The newly merged praise ministry is really flourishing and leading praise today was just so awesome and such a joy.... Pastor Brian tends to point out and really bring home good points and straighten out alot of misconceptions..... we learn things. Honestly, I've gone to alot of services where you were encouraged, and it was a good service, but you didn't learn much..... I think at NCPC God really challenges me to go back again and again to scripture and look at things again. To evaluate myself again.... to see what is going on again.

Service is almost a weekly refreshing of my spirit.... praise the Lord. Praise the good Lord on high. And people wonder why it's important to commit to a church and be involved in the life of it.

Loving your enemy and putting others' interests first is NOT impossible. It is commanded by Christ, and possible if you have and understand Your relationship to the Father. This was something that PB pointed out today.... and he's right. I think too many times we put our limits on God and ourselves, when all we have to do is really tap into and meditate and remember our relationship with the Father.

No strength? I would argue that then we should step back and take a good look at what our relationship to God is like, and then cry out for some mercy.

I am over my despair..... and God has renewed me again....and more than that, I think it is not an endless cycle....... only one that is hard to decipher. Everytime it gets better.

Sometimes you think there is a quick-fix to problems......but really it's all coming back around to realizing how distorted my view on life gets and how that distortion leads me to such sin. I get really selfish, worry about my own crap, and don't care about ohters when it happens. It's getting easier to identify now. And we can turn away..... if we are working together for it.

It might be the weather too........such great weather. Everyone just looks happier.... and it makes me want to rise up and give a yell of praise to God, and hug any stranger that walks by.

Emo. My musical style..... it's emo. I think so, anyway.

I'm an ass. And I never do anything right.

In moments like these, you know however that you'll get over it.

However, it is not that so much I am concerned with as the endless cycle....... the endless cycle of knowing it'll get better....... it's sort of empty.

So I was reading how in the temple David assigned each man his duty.... and it was all part of worship to God.

Lately I realized that I've gotten out of thinking that doing "responsible" things and dirty work is worship to God.... so I complain about filing transparencies, or think of cleaning up equipment as a burden, or things like that...... so wrong. Doing anything but delighting in my worship to God, you know? It's worship. Must remember. Even this moment.... is either worship or not.

Sin is never sin any more. I think we all justify things based on our surroundings or where we've come from, and then take no responsibility.

Anxiety is sin. Pride is sin. Not loving God with your whole heart, mind, soul, and strength is sin. The sins of the heart. I think we all commit them so frequently that we forget what is happening.... and we forget to humble ourselves and realize how only God's grace stands between us and losing our souls... I get all worked up and get down on myself if I say something hurtful to someone or fall prey to lust or lie or something like that..... but I consistently tolerate everything else in my life which I have not subjected to the will of God.

Whenever I realize this during praise times at church or in fellowship, I am filled with such wonder. It's so unbelievable that God lets a bunch of self-centered, self-righteous, unloving, selfish people like us be called His people. We don't follow His commands.... we don't love Him. Not with heart, intellect, time, or energy..... We sure as hell don't love each other either.

But even though there is little evidence that we are any different than everyone else in the world... I have somehow been bestowed the belief that within the Christian's heart is the Holy Spirit.... and that each of the people I see and worship with are being literally transformed to be more and more like Christ.

You gotta be kidding me.

I almost feel like my soul strains through the confines of my body and flies when I remember God's love.

And He's promised that there is never anything to worry about. Ever.

That's ridiculous promise #2. And in the rare instances where I believe that.... I don't even know what to say. Thanks is almost an insulting thing to say... it is so inadequate.

Church and a Christian's life should be the most intense, incredible, joyful experience of anyone on this earth. If we could just ask for a glimpse... ask God to show us our sins and strip them away..... It would be ridiculous. So amazing. The moments when a pale, reflected beam of the glory of God hits my eyes.... I long for those moments.

The brotherhood grows. Small group was great today.

I'm really getting myself into trouble academically.

I have weird friends.

You know, as a whole, life is not fun. Maybe 5% of it is. The rest is sleep and being busy. But that is probably my fault so far.

Jesus Week........ people hope for BC revival? But what is revival? Renewed love and passion for Christ? But what keeps us from having that anyway? Lack of repentance. So perhaps we are hoping and praying for the BC community to repent. Wow. That sure puts a spin on things.

Opening my arms........ never retract.... ever. I will never stop trying to love. Ever. I may suck at it, but I'll try. Agape love. The defining mark of a Christian. So easy to love people who love me back. The real mark is when I love people I despise....

I think part of my awfully indulgent sleep patterns and my back pain is due to my futon......so I disassembled it today and will be sleeping on the mattress on the floor. Hope that helps.

Nothing awfully profound to enter today. I missed class..... didn't really spend time with God.....man. Tomorrow......

I always say tomorrow. I always say now. Actions are what speak in the end.

Much harder.

Argh.

Independency is masked insecurity. Everyone is dependent.

I have slowly been letting some bitterness and anger seep into my life.

I must will turn away from that today. I almost let it eat me up inside out.

I've become pretty sensitive to realizing when this happens..... it especially apparent when my spiritual life seems a bit dry......devoid of anything, including suffering.....

This is from an email I wrote this morning..... with a few edits =)

The nothingness. I understand, _____.... it greets me today....actually it's been there since yesterday.

However, I think it never stops, but that the wiser people slowly learn to be faithful and believe in God's goodness during the nothingness, whereas immature freaks like us despair. =) hehe....

I gotta say that yesterday and this morning have been hard in the sense that I feel nothing and my times with God seem dry.... but still. I think I am learning to be faithful apart from my feelings....

I was thinking about it yesterday when I was with a friend, and I was feeling so "nothing" and lonely that I started longing for a relationship, you know? But then when I really thought about it, I realized that even if right then I could've had one, it wouldn't have made the "nothingness" go away.

Yeah....the nothingness.... I realized only God fills it. I think until we go to meet Him, it is a part of fallen humanity... the corrupted part of our flesh that is slowly being sanctified day by day.

I think more than hoping, waiting or trusting, it's more like believing and walking.... our dry prayers are still heard by God... the dry, dull prayers.... where we just sit on our knees for many minutes with not a word to say.... just an aching emptiness and a longing for the presence of God. Somewhere in there, we're gonna find the will to live and not be controlled by these things, ____....I know it. And as long as we trust and not despair, there is no depression. Only a quiet acknowledgement of the nothingness, and lifting it to God. Trust.

Hahahaha or maybe not. I have no idea.... but this is what I've been thinking lately and learning.....

Ever read "Future Grace" by John Piper? Dunno if I mentioned it to you before (I probably have hahaha)..... but if you get a chance pick it up. There's 31 chapters, one for each day of the month.... it's been an encouragement this year, and I reading it for the second time these days.

[end of email]

Yeah. And even as I sit here now at the computer.... God whispers me an assurance.

Today I finished reading 2 Kings and have continued reading through Revelation..... and I notice that God is to be feared. The images are so frightening.... I almost want to deny that it is part of my faith and what I believe.... but I know it is so true. Christ in Revelation is amazing.... a real King, like He has always been. And when the book talks about the end of the age, I remember.... it's not about anything except the lost souls of the world.

In 2 Kings.... monarch after monarch just did foolish things..... worshipping idols and worshipping God in the wrong ways.... but there were a few that would cry out. Josiah..... he tore his robes when he realized that they were living in the wrath of God.

Such zeal for God.... such reverence..... we lack it so much.

Alot of times, when it comes to a duel between QTs or church and school work, school work wins. Now, of course it should never come to that. It's sin when you compromise either..... but when you think about it...... why put school work first? We could all die tomorrow. Car accident.... food poisoning.... disease.... a bad fall..... and what would that decision have brought us?

Pastor Brian yetserday said that if we are tired, it is because we do not keep the Sabbath.... but not in the "do's and don'ts" department....but in the heart department.

If you think you keep the Sabbath, you think too low of God's law.
If you don't care about the Sabbath, you think too low of God's law.

Meet Christ, not the teachings of Christ. That was the message. Rest is found in serving God. Rest is found in meeting Christ, not in vacations or indulgence in pleasures of the world.

That was a good point...... I think people turn to sleep or video games or drinking or going out or people as their relief.... as their stress reliever... "it's ok" technically, but it's not, because it seems that God is not really where they draw their strength.

I depend on sleep alot. I've been repenting of that lately.

Hm.

Some people, when I talk with them, there is an immediate bond almost. Like a common reverence for God....sometimes, when I'm with others, that vibe does not exist.

I've realized why sometimes I type or write things strangely or using odd vocabulary... it's because I read a ridiculous amount of Calvin and Hobbes comics when I was growing up. Just a ridiculous amount. It even affects my speech at times.

I was rebuked. And this spurns my entry.

Rebuke and correction should be done with the fruit of the spirit....

love
peace
patience
kindness
goodness
gentleness
self-control

I think...... if you rebuke or correct someone without these...... you're wrong. 'Cause then it's not coming from the Spirit.... but from your sinful nature. If there is not love in your heart for the person when you speak to them about a matter or correct them....... then you are in the wrong. Period. It doesn't matter how right the facts are, or how right your viewpoint is and how messed up they are. If you cannot speak to the person and know in your heart that it is out of love and an outpouring of the fruit of the Spirit inside you, it is wrong.

It's always the heart, not the facts.

That is why most of the time, one should say nothing at all towards those they have bitterness or anger towards. And they must do it with love.... which is why we are to pray for our enemies. We don't correct them...... we pray for them. We love them. And then it might be possible to speak from the Spirit, and not from the flesh.

You will find that the more you honestly love someone, the less you will be angry, and the more your heart will just break for them. It's like the lover correcting the beloved.... he does not yell. He does not scream. In the end he whispers correction. He might shed tears if it's a particularly hard situation to deal with. But it's done with such love....... no veiling of the truth.... but a presentation of it with love.

Everytime I have confronted someone with resentment, frustration, or anger in my heart, it has turned out badly.

Everytime I pray and do it out of love, there is little that goes wrong.

Anger, harshness.... quick words.... these things injure the soul. When I receive quick, harsh, criticism, it makes me despair. And somewhere, I think when we were all kids that's what we did.... we were criticized real harsh, and we cried....... and maybe that's "tough love," but all I've seen it do is either screw up people for good or make them into decent but bitter people. I've never seen "tough love" create a person who exudes the fruit of the Spirit.

But you remember the time someone encouraged you when you were a kid...... teaching you that successes were good, but not to be satisfied. Teaching you to stand in awe and wonder if the world, and how there was so much more out there. Teach you the other viewpoint with a gentle spirit and with love. Would we not all as children have followed that person? A little sad that we had made a mistake perhaps, but willing to do it again, knowing that the teacher was pleased with our first imperfect efforts.

Why is it that women take care of children more? Because in some sense, they understand this a bit better. Though of course, sometimes they spare kids too much from the truth.

Men, on the otherhand, are more like Bernie Mac.... "I'll f-ck a kid up!!!!" All about the truth, nothing about love. So somehow we gotta meet in the middle here.

These are grand generalizations, mind you..... but semi-truthful ones, I think.

God is like that... for me at least in dealing wiht my faults. Not angry.... not just emitting truth without love.....but gently guiding my hand every day through this life. Teaching me not to be satisfied.... crying when I betray Him... always whispering the truth in love....

Alot of people will say "where is God the Judge? The RIGHTEOUS? THE HOLY??"

I will say that He is those things.... and I tremble at those.....for they make God so awesome and terrifying.... but somehow, He is also lover. Friend. Fellow man through Christ. And guess that's what I've focused on today, and try to accept, though it is hard to. It's the balance. But because we are children of God.... I'm sure that we definitely are in His grace, not His wrath.... so this concept resounds more strongly to me as being the one we should live in. He is not the condemning Judge, but the loving Father.

Holy, Righteous, Judge, Father, Lover, Brother, Friend......
"He's not a tame lion." - CS Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

I am still tired. I am back from ACF.

On the way to ACF, honestly, I was so glad and still praising God with my soul all the way to the fellowship meeting....
But when I entered, ACF, I dunno.

It's like my joy just disappeared and went out the window.

I had to really fight to keep it, and in the end it was a battle with mixed results. The whole time in my mind I felt like "wait, this isn't right. What is happening is not right."

I mean, I think it had several sources...... one being that the praise team is struggling quite a bit in ACF......and that distresses me..... definitely even while I was in it, I felt like the spiritual focus wasn't quite there. I really feel like there is some serious spiritual warfare going on at BC sometimes. Like Satan knows what's up and wants to keep us from realizing it. It's like when someone says "Jesus week is coming," I can almost feel something sap any enthusiasm out of us. Keeping it tame. Keeping it lame. hehe....

Satan, I think.

Ah crap I wrote alot and then it got erased.

Well, here we go again, but briefer.

The past two days have been great...... I am learning to trust God again...... accept my darkness, but more importantly, accept God's love and His promises in my life. Not stressing out, and trusting in God's provision and in His grace.

And it seems that everything falls into place...... I have an internship for the summer with The Boston Project Ministries, which helps different youth groups go on short-term urban missions during the course of the summer... this was a total answer to my prayers.

The three things I wanted to do this summer was to do music, get to know people, and continue to serve and build up the church..... with this internship, I get weekends off so I can still serve at church, and we get a few days off every few weeks. I also get a good few weeks in the beginning of the summer and at the end to do whatever I want, and the money isn't going to be a factor.

Even when the director of the ministry called me, I felt a stirring inside me. I almost started laughing while talking to him on the phone, because I realized how God had come through. Well, it wasn't laughing.....it was more like laughing and crying together, but neither. I was just really moved. He even told me that they had been praying specifically for Asian American males this year, because they often have Asian youth groups that come in and don't have any identifiable role models sometimes....

Even last night, I just really trusted that God would help me study instead of stressing out about it.... and I was able to stay up to 6 this morning, finishing my resume and stipend applications and because Kreeft gave out the answer key as we left the test I know I did well on the test.... B+ I think, which is great considering I didn't read any of the dialogues for this Socrates class until yesterday. And even though I forgot to bring my resume and stipend stuff to school, I didn't stress, got Sang to send it to me over email, and turned in everything before the 4 PM deadline..... I wasn't even like "oh crap I forgot" for more than a few seconds....I just shut my eyes, prayed, and I just believed that I wouldn't be late, and that God would bring all these things together.

It's good to believe God. So good.

Today now is where I must trust more. ACF is soon, and I dunno whether I will go or not....but I have another test to study for, and it's gonna be trust or stress again. I also find that when you're stressed you can't study worth jack, and you waste alot of time and complain.

I'm so thankful to be under God's grace.....I can almost touch it, as it spreads like a tide and touches every action of my life, making wrongs into rights and mistakes into good things....

But I am tired. So here is where it really begins.