So many ideas......so many people.

It's amazing how little I know. Just incredible how little I've seen, heard, and experienced.

Amazing how different people are.

Who do I write these entries to, anyway? To myself? To the people who I am imagining will read them? A bit of both, perhaps.

Father, please help me. I feel like.......there is so much to do. We are so weak these days. Your people are weak, stumbling about. We need help. Please help us.

Fasting, again, has come to my attention. So has frugality.

God's used people to rattle me back in to focus again. So glad. I was starting to feel totally suffocated again. It's sad sometimes how much confirmation I need just so I know that I'm not totally strange.....

I feel so fortunate sometimes....especially days like today, where the hand of God on my life is so blatant it's almost ridiculous....

I realize alot of key good friendships have come about because my mother made me go to the national day for prayer at the flagpole during high school. My meeting one person at that flagpole that day totally opened up so many things for me......and I am so thankful for it.

Perhaps it is all in my head. Perhaps it is demons messing with my brain.

There are moments.....like last night. Where all of reality and all the words and all the things that might even begin to describe anything were totally inadequate.

All of reality....of what is real in this world....even God....seemed so far away.

It gets lonely when the world isn't real. It's really lonely when God isn't real.

Shake it off. C'mon now. Shake it off.

There is some deep seated stuff inside me. I can't shake it yet.

Wondering these days why the world is so messed up. Why we can't shake things as easily as we'd like to......all the issues we have....how difficult it is to overcome them... how some people face them, and some run away from them....

Etty Hillesum said that you have to have the courage to say that you believe in God. I can see why.

Hope in the midst of our total inability.... hope in the midst of our undisciplined, messed up selves?

Truly it does take courage. More than courage. Faith.

I think it is because I look around these days, and we are so messed up......everybody I see. Nobody can shake it...... everybody is in such unrest. And even though things are sort of ok these days.... I am saddened by it. So sad that we cannot be different.

Today Pastor Brian talked about coming to church with expectancy.... about how we expect too little...... about how we should expect more, and come eagerly to church.

Oh, but how much faith it takes to believe such things. You must look death in the eye and say that it has no power. You have to look the world dead in the eye and say that you believe in God. You gotta tell the dying people that God exists.

Man. Don't have it in me today, I guess. argh.

I usually for prayer time try to think of the Lord's prayer and pray with regards to the different aspects of it. Helps me cover all the bases, and not forget things, usually. I'm just gonna kinda run through what I try to do...because it has to do with something I realized today. By the way, sometimes my mind drifts or I suddenly find myself praying ferverently for friends and family....so that's where that kind of fits.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name..... I try to just sit and be aware of God. Of everything He is....I could do this a long time. It gets kinda uncomfortable too, because I realize how little I know and how unaware I am.

Thy kingdom come, they will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.... I pray about the orientation of my life and the lives of other Christians.... that it would really be about the kingdom...

Give us this day our daily bread.... The needs. Strength to live the day in love, money, just all the aspects that I need to live.

Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors..... I just spend alot of time thinking about people I might be angry or annoyed at.....I try to lift it up and really have love for them. Confession of sins is here too... naming them individually as much as possible, instead of using general sweeping terms. It's a little harder, and sometimes awkward, but it helps.

HERE is what I suddenly realized today. These past few days...maybe even weeks? I have always stopped praying or sort of been distracted or gotten up and ended my prayer time before I could get to these next parts!

And lead us not into temptation... I pray about temptations I might face for the day.....things I know I have to be careful about...watch for.... things I struggle with.

But deliver us from evil..... Pray against Satan. Anything that he might do to distract me. Spiritual warfare.

Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. Praise. I just might say it straight or elaborate....or just try to meditate and think.

I think it was definitely my neglect of these last three which has been part of the source of my distress lately. I never actively prayed about temptation, and spiritual warfare especially. Man.

My internship with the Boston Project Ministries starts soon. If you don't know what that is, let me know at hongw@bc.edu with your mailing address. I'll send you a support letter to pray for me! (and possibly to support me financially? hehe....Prayer is actually more the need though.)

I'm really excited for it. Something stirs in me every time I talk to the director on the phone. And he's just kind of been telling me how this year seems to be a special year for the ministry by what he can see and by who is going to be on staff. I remember the first time he talked to me, actually....I was really moved. I don't know why. But definitely God's hand is on all of this. I really have to be ready.....brush up on "The Problem of Pain" by CS Lewis.... I think it's going to be useful with talking to the youth kids this summer, especially when we are doing and talking about urban ministry.

Cleaned the house too. I love having a clean living room. And kitchen. And being able to just go clean up after people mess up little things, and it being spotless and pristine again. Woo hoo!

This is an entry from 5-23....

Quote from Brennan Manning's "Ragamuffin" devotional.

"When Jesus said he was hungry and thirsty and naked in those around us, he was referring to more than mere corporeal needs. Surrounded by people who are hungry and thirsty and naked in their souls, they come to us hungry for understanding, thirsting for affirmation, naked with loneliness, and wanting to be covered with the mantle of our genuine concern. So often I refuse to give it to them. I'm not really interested in their hopes, fears, dreams, joys, aspirations, and disappointments. Yet I claim that I am dedicated to God, that I live for Jesus Christ, that I am dedicated to my religion. What kind of religions is this? Jesus thundered, "None of those who cry out, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of God but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven" (see Matt. 7:21). And surely it is the will of the Father that we spend our days loving in deed as Jesus did."

I read this and my heart broke, because I know how painfully far I fall from this kind of living.

It's so easy to serve in church, or to do praise team, or chill with friends, or listen to someone rattle off at a small group meeting. But this kind of care... this kind of love for others.... this is what is required. This is, in fact, what I personally have been longing for these days.

Like, how many other people do we care about in this way, to the point where we understand their hopes, fears, dreams, joys, aspirations, and disappointements? Do we even know our friends' desires in these areas?

I could only get on my knees and pray for mercy, and strength to live differently. Because I know this is what we all need.....oh Lord. I hope I will only be given the strength to do it.
`

Just gotta hold on......get my wits about me.

I was reminded today....when I had my internship interview. He asked me questions about my faith, my life, my experiences......it reminded me.

This internship with the Boston Project MInistries is totally in God's hands. In fact, as Paul, the director, told me about what has been going on and how the summer is looking for the ministry as a whole, I got excited. Things are a happening.

Still, I'm just reeling from my mistakes. Got angry for no reason today .......felt a rather condescending attitude....

I dunno. I can feel the numbness.

Tomorrow. Try and try again.

Now I am angry. Bitter.

You know, and it's funny, because it's not like the facts of my life change........but I just see them in a different light.

It's wrong......but I'm tired of fighting. So tired. And I am angry that things are like this. Angry that I cannot trust God and not be angry. Angry that I get angry at my friends when I am like this.

I hate how selfish we all are. I hate how unloving we all are. I hate it.

I forgot about myself a few hours while I was with people.......but it doesn't matter. It haunts me.

But I gotta fight. Go to bed, wake up, and try again.

Strangely enough, I've had the craziest mood swings these past few days.

One moment, I'm a ridiculously tortured, lonely soul. The next I'm ok.....or perhaps ignoring it?

I realize that when it comes down to it, I don't really seek God in times of instability. Too much pride to actually humble myself and sit in His presence and discipline myself. I refuse, because..... I dunno. Sometimes I don't dig God. Or I am tricked to believe so.

Feeling pretty alone these days..... why? I don't know. I guess I always do.... and I guess it's more of a burden because I haven't been keeping myself occupied with ministry or "things to do" or whatever...is that bad? Am I ignoring major issues that I have? Possibly. I have no idea.

I guess it's just feeling heavy again. Life bears down on you again...

You know, sometimes it never seems to stop.

I wonder why it is this way....

Faith is to look suffering in the face and believe that it is useful and good... not to shrink away.

My faith is so weak.

In despair...not to will to be oneself. The lowest form of despair.

Yet these are the times when will, love, and faith must rise above emotion....ok.

One more time.

Always gotta give it one more.

Back in Boston.

Great to be back.

I woke up this morning, and the first temptation after having breakfast and whatnot was to not spend time with God. I mean, I felt really empty. And the temptation was to just find something to do.... anything, that would kind of make it go away.

But I got down and prayed, and as I did I realized that alot of the emptiness comes from lack of belief on my part. Belief in what is possible now. And I can't explain how, exactly, but I had hope again... and so I'm gonna go practice my guitar.

What is the correlation, you ask? I guess it is that when you lose hope, you get bored. Boredom technically makes no sense, because there is SO much that is worth seeing, learning, and doing in the world. But we hate reality....

Why? I dunno. We hate ourselves.... we hate our situations.... things like that. So we try to escape by losing ourselves in other things.

I can't explain it exactly. All I know is I want to go play guitar now, and I didn't before.

There is, however, the possibility that there is a limit to your knowledge of your faith and God...or a sort of sense in which someone might feel they know enough about something. True, true.

But I think... that limit is rarely approached by anyone... usually people are capable of alot more. Myself included.

Most people are so limited by their minds and imaginations.
We do not believe.... we cannot conceive....so of course things do not happen.
No conception of the mind, no birth in reality.

Kierkegaard says that it is the offense that one must take to Christianity. What we are told and promised is so great...... you must either ignore it, be offended, or somehow take it on faith.

We are promised to have peace that the world does not understand.
We are promised joy.
We are promised living water.

We are told that if we get broken, persecuted...if we are humbled...if we cry.... if we are in anguish.... then we are blessed.

We are promised that we can do all that Jesus did, and more.

We are told that He loves us, and wants to be intimate with us. More intimate than we have ever known.

We are told....that He loves the church. And the rest of the scum that we don't like in this world. All of them people. ALL OF THEM.

A few options, here, friends:
#1: We might take this is as a total lie, and we are offended....
#2: We might want to believe but find it nearly impossible, and hence despair.....
#3: Or this is the greatest thing in the world, and we believe this thing which is so improbable.... the infinite being wanting to have the most intimate of relationships with us....

OR we can ignore it, and pretend like the Christian life is about having a country club/emotional support group, the church, and having nice events and drawing other people into our nice club.

I think this last option is the common one. That's what we usually see these days. Maybe some emotional praise songs. A little closing of the eyes.... a little lifting of the hands....

I think that there are a few who come into the disbelief stage...the second one. Maybe their religion class takes them there... maybe philosophy... maybe non-Christian friends... Those people are usually told "don't doubt God. That's wrong. Just have faith." They are not told that their fears are correct, and that they have come to the brink of what faith really is: to face the reality and THEN believe, not run away from reality or the things that might shake your faith.

I always shook off the fears and the questions in high school....I was told faith was enough. And it sort of was enough, for me...I got along without it, had some nice answers about how great Christianity was....

But inside me was a deep seated fear to face all of the other things out there.

I feared when the Jewish kid from my school came back wearing a yamulke saying he had "an experience" that I "wouldn't understand" at Jew camp in Israel that summer...... I was scared because the same sort of emotional experience had been what seated my faith as a Christian.

I feared when people asked "what about all them good, decent people?"

I feared when I would pray, because I as afraid prayers were not heard or would not be answered. So I made my prayers small. I made them "answerable."

We always do that..... we always fear, and so we are afraid to choose and to believe. We would rather shrink away and be ignorant.

I mean, not that we have to know EVERYTHING.....but I dunno.....we should least let God take away our fears....right? I dunno.

Gotta go again. Woo hoo.

Hm....so where have I been since the last one.

I'm home with my parents, and we just basically work all day at the mall.... mother's day was insanity..... which was good, though, since we actually had some business... it had been slow for some time.

I'm actually just real grateful my parents make money now, and without stressing out and haggling over prices and avoiding people looking for money. hahahahaha...... we used to plug the fax machine in so they would go away.

Whoop maybe that's too personal. Ah whatever.

So it's been good to see my older brother.... my younger brother is at summer school and working..... wish he was here.

I am thankful for.... everything. For my great life. I mean, I know there are those times where I get tired and go crazy, but I'm just so glad. I've gotten to do so many things and meet so many people, and God has taken me to places and helped me learn so many things....

I love my brothers. I almost forgot how much I appreciate my family. But I love 'em. And God has given us such honesty with each other and such open minds.... and he's taught us to really search for truth, and not to be satisfied with stupid things in life, but to seek what's real.

I used to be so open-hearted in high school. I would pour out my soul for anyone who would care to listen to me babble...and I loved my youth group so much. I would cry when they would fight... and I really wanted them to know God, or I guess, now that I look back, I wanted them find the hope that I had found for myself. I used to spend hours and hours talking to people...phone, online, etc... (and not just girls, you punks).... always trying to encourage, love, and pray for people.

Now I got a little problem. Seems that I have closed myself up to people and my friends.... why? I go through so much personal drama and heartache, and so I hold back alot now. I'm afraid to give..... or I am disappointed when I am given nothing in return. Furthermore, (and this of course deals only with girls) I am afraid of getting too close. Which, honestly, is sort of ridiculous. But it's not, at the same time.

Well, that's not really it either. Alot of it has to do with the amount of attention I give myself, now that I have realized how much of this life is about personal growth and discovery.... alot of my thoughts have turned inward..... and that is good, of course. But the balance must be found....

And alot of people don't care to listen or talk about these things of life..... of existence and God and whatnot....

Through all of this though, I have confidence of what this is for. That all the struggles I have now with these interpersonal issues are to be faced, and dealt with, because I know that I'm learning.... being trained.... for? Well, first, just trained to love God. And to trust God. But second, for something else. For whatever else God has for me to do in my life. That I know for sure.

Can't wait to get back.

*****(thoughts on changing perspectives... if you don't dig it, or if you think I think to much....whatever. It ain't for you. Don't read it. Oh yeah, and please don't be offended, either. It's not meant to offend.)

It used to be so easy. Christianity was about going to church, closing your eyes in the praise songs and feeling sort of nice, getting some theology down to have a "foundation," and praying really hard that other people would join us in our little corporate enterprise. The whole "group" mentality...... we were the righteous ones who struggled a little with things and wanted others to join us....

C'mon now. You know for 95% of us, that's true.

Now it's just so different. The depth of human misery, deception, and sin is so great. Sin has become such a different thing, and there are so many aspects to it....and with the increasing dimensions of humanity's corruption comes such a larger view of who God is, and of what we are saved from. I am overwhelmed by my ignorance.... my foolishness... my pride.

So Christianity.... it is so much more complex....and furthermore, it's something I want to talk about. Why not? Supposedly, for Christians, it is the center of life. God is where all of our life comes from. Every moment is for His glory. Every moment is to enjoy Him. It seems that we talk about enjoyable things.

Why don't we talk about God? Is He not enjoyable? Does everybody already know enough of the infinite? Do people already grasp the infinite?

You never run into people of any other obsession that do not constantly talk about their obsession. Sports... social life... material posession...

Your god is what you talk and think about.

Why? Perhaps even the people who consider their faith important.... they consider themselves to have a good grasp upon it. They do not hunger for God, because they think they have Him. They think they understand Him.

Other Christians talk about their faith, but more in the sense of "ooh, we gotta help that guy. And that guy. He needs Jesus, like we got Him." Very little talk of their own need for Jesus. Why? Because perhaps they have very little need for Him anymore. The focus upon the "bring them in" aspect of the faith betrays their own lack of self-examination and realization of their own sin and depravity.

Still others say to themselves, "Yes, God is faithful to me. Oh, He is faithful to me. I am really grateful, so let me enjoy my life to the fullest because He has blessed me in a way that I do not deserve." The point is missed. The commands and promises are overlooked.... they are not lived by or taken seriously. The religious life is important, but only because it provides more overall immediate enjoyment.

Both of these views are true....but not complete, perhaps.

Maybe I'm being a judgemental ass, and I'm very arrogant. Oh yeah, but if you're reading this, it's not like I rend judgement down on you in my head whenever I talk to you or something. Really. I just sort of want to talk about more. See, but this is why sometimes I

But......I still do not understand.

Why don't we talk about God? Why don't we talk about where we are walking with God?

Is the Christian walk that easy?

Kierkegaard says that this all stems from lack of awareness of the self before God. It is the despair of the soul. Some try in despair not to be themselves, but to be someone else.... some try in despair to be who they are, but by their own strength.... some give up and just think that "oh the religious life must be all there is." Some live in unrealistic idealism....

The other thing is I realized peoples' views on life and their ideas about faith and about God are SO so different, even within the same church and whatnot. It really kicks ass to talk about it. Because you learn alot.

Ain't no solo mission.

Alot of times I think the main barrier is that we don't confess our sins to each other, like it says in James (or I think it's James). Hard to talk about life with God when you don't talk about sin.

People are afraid and ashamed, and unwilling to talk about their sin. They think it's personal and private...and it is, sometimes....but I think "confess your sins to one another" means what it means, with some discretion.

MMmmmmmm.........yeah.

I am suddenly finding myself in a place where I don't know what to do.

Usually my spiritual life is pretty measurable... b/c I just sit down, think a while, figure out my motives or where my heart is..... I mean I used to not be able to do that, even, so I was learning to do that, and so I thought that I'd kinda figured out what to do when thing stink.....

But right now, I am pretty lost. I don't feel the usual things I am used to feeling when I'm struggling....

It's weird. The only things I can feel or detect in me that is different is a sudden fondness for food.... I like eating again for the first time in a while.... food is good.

I was in the shower with another small revelation.....

Maybe it's me depending on me to figure out what is wrong so that I can depend upon God "in a certain way." It's not resting transparently on Him, with all of me..... just laying it down. It's kinda be like "God, show me what's wrong with me... just enough so that I can get on living for You in the familiar ways." No good.

I guess maybe this is training for "what to do when you feel like the spiritual life is miles away and you feel no guilt."

And what am I to do? I think I will try to sit before God and sit...and pray....and sit.... and listen.....as long as I can.

And if that fails, I think I will just keep the discipline. Keep reading my Bible......reading books......

Why? Why pray if I don't feel the vibrancy of eternity? Because I do not live in the world by feelings. I judge my feelings by the truth, and act accordingly.

If my heart does not long after God, nothing is wrong with God. I must judge how I feel, so what that might point to, and then live. Can't shut down until the next epiphony. Now, I can't MAKE myself long after God. But my will can still desire it......so I will ask God to guide me... but I must be willing to discipline myself and to really lay myself down... can't hold back when you're seeking God. Can't do my customary 15 minute quiet time and hope everything goes away. That's crap.

And we know that by thinking about what we do when anything else in our lives goes wrong. You don't keep doing the same when the same ain't working.

Can't hold on to anything. Can't hold anything back. Only one thing matters, only one thing comes first.

I was sitting in the shower...... and suddenly it popped into my head...

"Today is for the Lord."

And as I sat down and decided that before anything else..... before getting on the computer, or doing my final paper that's due today, or anything else.... I decided that I would spend time with God.

I am so blessed. When I think of all the different people I've met in my life.... and all the things I've seen.... and all the ways that God has worked so mightily in my life and in the lives of the people I've known...... it's just amazing.

I made a list in my notepad......just person after person....... saint after saint....... people who inspired me.... who taught me so much.

And this whole time I've been so ungrateful... and untrusting in God's goodness to me... and bitter about things which are of no consequence to me.

I had my eyes opened. I'm so thankful. It's funny how the world view can change so much when you forget about what God is always doing in your life. You can look back, and then push forward, because you know it's all good. It's always been all good.

Am I a miserable human being? Yeah. But I'm a blessed one.

I am a piece of holy crap.

Metaphysics has more applicability than I previously thought.

For example.........

You always think, "well God is making me into someone. I'm looking forward to the person I am becoming. I wanna be that person that I see in my imagination." We are always about possibility. And we despair, and hate who we are now because we wanna be somewhere else and be someone else.

But see, what who you ARE is not just who you appear to be now? Because if to God all things appear at once, He sees all of you. He sees all of time.... and all of you throughout time.

If who you are is who you have always been since your creation...... then it's all good. That's why God can see you and smile. And you don't have to worry.... God has seen all of you.....

It's not who you're gonna become, necessarily. Perhaps it is just who you are. From your creation to eternity.

So I don't need to be so worried.... I just need to trust, and live because I know that God has seen everything, and is pleased with me because of Christ....

Who am I to doubt His santification anyway? I just eagerly desire it. Patiently endure it. Learn to love Him and Him only. Be willing for anything that might draw me closer, even if it breaks my heart and drives me to me knees..... Because in the end, it's not just who I am "now." Now is not who I am. Who I am........

Well that's why I don't know who I am: 'Cause I can't see everything. I can only see now.

That's perhaps why we're called not to worry. We live in now... we deal with now.... but we also trust that in this moment, we just need to be as faithful as we can and fear nothing, because we've already been told that this turns out ok. We got hope. More than hope.... we got assurance. Because we have assurance, we live without despair.

No need to fear and desperately keep trying for approval of the self or before others or God. We ARE approved because of Christ(not "are" in the present, but just in existence.). And we just live b/c we love God.

Now, keep in mind.... this is all just based on some metaphysical theory about personal identity and time and whatnot.... but I think it's pretty interesting. And it's got some ring of truth in it. Of course it does not describe reality fully.... it's like saying "that tastes good" describes the food accurately. You would be like "dude, you don't understand. It tastes damn good."

"Taste it yourself." There's a new one. God is technically eternal.... good... He is love.... he's neverending. He's supposed to be all these things..... but obviously we have very little knowledge of this. Maybe we never tasted God. Or perhaps we have tasted so little because our sin impedes us.

Maybe..... it's time to ask God to throw off the chains, and not be afraid of seeing our sin.

And people ask why I like philosophy. Kreeft always says.... everyone's got philosophy. But there is good philosophy, and bad philosophy. There is thought-out philosophy, and unthought-out philosophy.

Everyone lives by a creed. Not necessarily the one that exists by the words off their lips, but by the one that lives in their thoughts and deeds. That is your philosophy.

You stress out about school? Maybe school is your god. Relationships? People are your god. Ministry? Ministry is your god.

And in the end..... it's just you making yourself a god. Because all these things are things we use to give us purpose or meaning... things that we are involved in. Things that we do. Things that we acheive.

When you get a glimpse of God, all of that melts into a pool of uselessness. Really. When God really blesses me with His presence.......it fades away, and I get peace.

New thought. I was talking with a buddy today....

Do you remember when you first became conscious that you were conscious?

Like, when you stopped thinking, "Wow a toy!" and "hey that was fun!" and suddenly said to yourself... ."I am awake. I exist. I can move this body. This is reality."

I remember it like day....I remember sitting at the dinner table, feeling really really awful..... like nothing was real. I looked down at my plate, at my fork... at the grease that remained on my finished plate of food..... and I was sad. I looked at my hand, and watched it move as I willed it....I was conscious. And I was really really sad. Everything seemed so unreal.

I think that's the first time I realized I had a soul. Like when I realized that my soul was controlling and willing my body.....and that I was translating the world through my senses, and not experiencing it directly. (or something like that I think)

Everything seemed so unreal. I was playing checkers with my brother, and I was in such mental anguish that I kinda curled into a corner and held my head and said "Nothing seems real!"

My dad, he took me outside... walked me around the block for like 2 hours..... we never talked about the problem. He just told me about his dad.... my grandfather..... and how he was a silk merchant in Korean and how everybody loved him. And I felt a little better.

Now those moments come all the time.... when you suddenly feel really alone (of course I don't go totally insane anymore.....well....haha sometimes). And you realize that no one is knowing and experiencing what you are right now. You feel really alone. You can share experiences with people, but it's never quite the same. They were next to you..... they were with you.... but they weren't YOU.

except....

Except for God. Jesus was man and God. So He knows everything that a person can experience. And the Holy Spirit.... He lives in you.

So God knows. He knows. He knows everything I have ever known.

And so His love means more than anything else. Because he knows. He knows everything.

Service was ok today. I was rather tormented by the fact that I couldn't focus for a moment. Everything random thought would float through my head.

I'm being disobedient. I mean, really. I think there are certain things in my life in which certain things are commanded, and I do otherwise. It's coming down to that, and so it's time to fix that.

I've been thinking......you know how they say "God can use anybody." SO true. Of course it's true. But it's also true that God gives gifts to people, right? And obviously, as long as that person is humble and willing, then the gifts put to use can be really great....... and so some people are better at things than others.

The hard part is pride, of course. Self-deception too. Sometimes you think you're good at something and you're not at all....

So pride and self-deception exist. You know what though? Then again, people who aren't prideful about their gifts don't say much about them.... and they don't really pay much attention to themselves anyway.

I dunno though. Sometimes it seems that as Christians people think they gotta just be like "well God can use anybody" and ignore some obvious things that exist before their eyes, because we gotta be nice or something.

Truth, with love.....but truth nonetheless is necessary.

I guess the trick is that we all have to understand that our self-worth is not based on things we can do. If that is in place, then it doesn't matter. There is no competition.... no pride.... no shame at not being able to do certain things well.

I have alot of pride though.... shame too. And this sometimes affects the way I treat people, and who I like to hang around. It's so retarded.....

So many people have put up with me since I came to school.... heck people have put up with me my whole life. And in the end, I do not give that same love I received. So hard. So hard. But in the end, I've refused to give it. My fault. Totally my fault.

Sometimes.......I wish I were at a different school in a different city. It seems like things would be more simple if that were true.....but I think about it, and I kinda doubt that too.

Time to let go.

You may ask, "why the sudden influx of large, lengthy entries?" It's because for a paper I'm writing I had to crack open some Kierkegaard and the diary of Etty Hillesum, two of the most influential people on my life this year. Heck, they damn well spurned my whole journaling thing. Kierkegaard's hard to read... and it takes a great deal of thought about the self to understand it.... Etty too, but she's easier reading. Anyway......cracking the books made my mind start reeling and opening up all over again. I think I might start just making periodic readings of these two.... b/c it orients me back to where I need to be.

'And now that I don't want to own anything any more and am free, now I suddenly own everything, now my inner riches are immeasurable.'

Such wisdom. God's been teaching me to just really let go of everything I hold on to for life and for pleasure and for meaning. Teaching me not to worry... to trust Him.... to let Him be enough. And when I let go, everything is given back to me.

I came to BC wanting so many things.... and unwilling to trust God with where He was leading me. But as I let go, the things come back.....

I wanted to be an "integrated" person.... with not just asian friends. But I felt the leading toward ACF and NCPC, both Korean dominated places. It made no sense. But I finally trusted God, and I've been only blessed.... and slowly but surely He has been showing me why this has all happened.

Heck, NCPC isn't even a Korean church anymore, technically. How kick ass. Not a "multi-cultural" church.... but simply a church. And slowly, the diversity comes. And it's harder to be with people who are like you when it is Christian brother/sisterhood that you seek. It's like seeing alot of yourself... alot of the self that you don't like.

I think....when I am finally ready to date, it will be when I do not crave a person's affections or wish to own their entire attention anymore. It'll be when the jealousy ceases... when you're free to love.... not enslaved by infatuation. When you don't want the person all for yourself. It's more meaningful when it's free.

I know. You must be thinking, "who the hell IS this girl?!?" Someone has asked me already. hahaha.... it's not a girl exactly. I mean, it is... but it's more like a process I've been learning... there has been more than one girl in the mix over time........

Me, Joe Lin, and Paul Jin sat at the final guys' accountability meeting last night.... and maybe it was just 3 of us... but it was awesome. The brotherhood kicks ass. I think we missed out by not hanging out more.

It's ok. We got next year.

YEAH it's long, whatever. Don't read if you don't feel like it. Sometimes I get annoyed at peoples' ramblings too, so I understand. I'll separate "how I"m doing" stuff with personal musings with a few bold asterisks.

As long as I am selfish about friendships and relationships with people, it is not Agape love.

Loving people with expect at response is the "normal," human thing. It is expected. It is the expectation of the finite human.

Our need for it, our reaction to it.....human.

I must really put my mind to becoming one who loves not to make others his own, but to simply give of myself for its own sake. I realize that the extreme jealously and sensitivity with which I guard my friendships comes from this finite, needful expectant love. I like intimacy. It's hard to be my friend, because either you're in all the way, or I don't enjoy myself around you.

Learning to love...to love the ones who don't give you anything in return. The unlikable. The ones who return your kind words with rude ones... the ones who ignore your efforts, and the ones who don't "deserve" your affection. That is who I must learn to be.

***

And not loving because "oh, I'll be the good person." That's loving the self. It's love....somehow....loving because you love them. Because you want the best for them. Because you know God wants the best for you, and you don't deserve it.

I think we always say "we don't deserve all this," but we do not understand how little we actually deserve what we have. Until we understand how litte we deserve and the wealth of what we have, we will not be able to love like this.

The moments in my life where I came face to face with my utter selfishness and spoiled lifestyle, I felt such remorse..... and in those moments, to realize God's care for me..... made me wanna grab random people in public and give them a hug and tell them that Jesus loves them.

If the Incarnation does not disturb the mind........if the thought of God, and the fusion of God and man does not bring one into fear and awe...... we missed it. We missed the whole damn boat.

I think what disturbs me these days is my readings in the old testament. I almost don't want to read it...... I don't want to read about the justice.... God's commanding war and death.... his utter holiness.... his discipline. The stiff, reverent, religiosity. I feel like, "hey, that's not the God I know."

But maybe that's the point. I don't know almost anything about God. And I have to face the old testament. I have to face as much of God as I can bare, so I don't forget that what I think of God is the palest reflection of who He truly is.

It's offensive. You gotta read old testament, then say.......ok. The same God. The commander of child-sacrifice (Abraham/Isaac), the commander of genocide of evil people, the angry God who sent plauges and poisonous snakes.... and yet the one of whom the Israelites say in the next heartbeat "His love endures forever" (how the hell could they say that? I guess b/c maybe they understood more of how awful they really were)..... this God.

There's a guy walking around saying, "That's me, folks!"

I think I would be mad at him if he came in the room today.....I'd be saying, "Who the hell do you think you are?"

I'd also be mad that he was so nice to bad people. I'd be like "why the hell aren't you sending poisonous snakes already?"

And somehow all this boils down to "God is love." And somehow this all connects with healing the sick and feeding people.... and teaching them to love enemies. Love that casts out fear. Love that gives and does not retract its arms.

Do I believe this stuff? Not in its entirety. It's too hard to swallow and accept.

I'm psychotic.

I don't understand how them people at Christian concerts and like Urbana missions conferences and stuff clap about everything. They yell and scream and get all happy over everything you say. As if the concepts were so easy to understand.... as if God was a sort of "happy idea." So I dunno. It bothers me alot when people or preachers talk about God like they know what's going on. Either they are the most amazing people in the world and I want them to impart some wisdom, or else they are dead lost.

It takes a very, very brave person to stand in the presence of God and come with joy and confidence. It takes so much.

That's why I think during worship......I should either sit still and tremble because I cannot believe it, or bring about within me such a torrent of joy that believes in this infinite love of the universe that lets me come and understand Him. Either shrivel, or muster the courage and burst out of my skin with my soul screaming, 'Glory.'

Except.....................except...... when His love is strong upon me. Then it's a different thing all together. There is no more fear. No more trembling or shame. I believe, and I'm free.... I fly. I feel like light fills me and shines through the cracks.

I have a few times met personally people who shine with God's love. They shine with it..... you can feel His love emanate from them. Those are the people I have the most respect for, because you know that they are so humble and they fear God, and yet still embrace Him and love Him with confidence.

Maybe all them people at the concerts and at Urbana were filled with God's love. I dunno. I have a slight doubt of that. I think things would be a little different 'round here if it was really like that.

I am a big mouth.

God has conveniently arranged that all my closer friends that are girls aren't around to talk to.

And as soon as I realized that yesterday, I understood how dependent I've been, and that God's trying to teach me to not be....

that as Christians, relationship is not functionally dependency, but giving, without expecting anything in return. And alot of times I "expect" things back in my friendships. That seems natural.... and of course it hurts when your affection or love is not returned..... but we're trying to be like Jesus, right? haha......

No expected returns. Give give give.

Fun time today. Studying to do.

Being faithful. So important.

Because now I'm not in the habit of praying or spending time with God..... and so even though the things I was stressing about disappear, my habit of not going to God has been formed.

Just gotta finish up this week and next week......then we're home free.

Who's we? I dunno. Me talking to myself.