I was depressed since yetserday, as you saw...... and all of a sudden during Socrates I realized why for the most part.

I was despairing because I realized that no one will ever understand how another feels completely and fully... only God can. And so my hope to possibly have friends or meet people who will fully understand my life and my thoughts and struggles is a vain one.

But also, I realized that this was God telling me, not to depend on anyone else. Not to let anyone else become God. Not to make the mistake of assuming others can know me in that intimate way.

I also realized I have a lack of social justice in my life. I don't care for the hungry or the poor, or the widow, or the alien or fatherless, like it says in scripture. But then again, I know that the calling on my life now is to learn.....and to do it with all my heart. To learn love God with everything I do. And for now, I think I will trust that I cannot do much in the ways of social justice. Now is not the time. I prepare now so that I may help later.

I guess I realized that even my close friends..... they will never understand exactly how I feel. I was beginning to believe again that it was possible. I was using my friends' faith and our common "understanding" to confirm my relationship with God and that it was good and valid. But I am reminded again not to make that mistake.

So I felt lost.

I am alone again. But the Lord assures me... to trust. To hope. I have been depending too heavily on others again.... and I am forgetting God's love and understanding of me.

It is impossible for us to know oen another in the fullness of our pain, suffering, and joy. We are forever alone and separate, yet always together and with each other.

Yet I will accept this lonliness, and walk with my God. Because I love Him.

Haha wow. That sounded so dramatic. Still, I mean it. It's true.

Trust. Today is all about trust.

You know, today was a good day......... still, at the end of the day, a certain....... emptiness.........errrr.......yeah. Depression more like it. How strange. I wonder if it's a psychological condition or a spiritual attack...... pangs of worthlessness again. Tired again. Hold me, God.

I named my new electric guitar Valerie, or Val for short. She's the best. =) hahahaha........ it's funny. When I give the guitar a name, suddenly it stirs up a feeling of affection. How weird.

I really enjoy playing that guitar..... it's just a joy, really. Actually, almost too fun. I have to really pray for humility and focus more from now on, especially for praise.

The retreat was just great. Really was. no weepy moments, with rousing sermons and people fervently praying together... just a quick 15 minute message with an exhortation to share with one another and be open and vulnerable. It was really good. Just some solid bonding.....

I feel the temptation to just kinda take a "break" spritually.... trying to ride a high that doesnt' exist. A high is just false security, I think. Or even a perfect moment to go even deeper with God... except we just usually through the opportunity away and let ourselves slip back into apathy. Or worse yet, into pride.

I have a big mouth, and that's what has gotten me into alot of trouble in the past. The Lord is teaching me to know when to say things to people and when not to. I am also very arrogant. "Militant" is the way someone put it to me once. =)

Elisha.... the heavenly armies.... great stuff.

I realized that all my life I have almost never had "visible" success in the praise ministry.... every time I've led praise at a retreat or revival or whatnot it's never been any good (except at conferences, but that doesn't count exactly, because it's not really a ministry I'm part of, just a one time thing). So the ACF retreat is a real crucial time. More prayer.

Alot of us fasted today and went to prayer meeting at ACF. It was really awesome. God really met us there. The Lord really is working at BC in awesome ways.... they are not all visible yet, but will be one day.

Sometimes...... you get that feeling. I dunno what it is. The lonliness that pervades every person's soul. It occurs even when lots of people are around.... when things are going good and bad. And you just feel... alone. Like even the embrace of a loved one wouldn't make it go away... you would just hug them and scrunch your eyes tight and wish that you would disappear.

I think.....maybe I am given these moments to remember that this world is not where I belong. That there are somethings that I will never have until I meet God. Yeah. This ache.... it is the eternal ache for God. I will not forget.

Sometimes I wish we would not be so afraid. That we would maybe show others glimpses of who we really are....

My brother said once that when people cry unexplainably at church retreats, it's because the internal brokenness of their souls is momentarily exposed by God. Yeah. I think it would be kinda chaotic if we were TOO open with each other. We'd cry alot. But then again... maybe that would lead to alot of good dialogue, and then we might not cry so much.

Sometimes I wish I would not be so afraid.

Trust in the Lord. Conceptual easy.... practically impossible.

Most people think predestination is fatalistic....too controlling..... for me it's comfort. I know one day..... one day..... I will be able to love people and not be afraid.

"Afraid" sounds better than "scared," for some reason. Scared is too.... out of control? Childish? Negative? Afraid is a little more... I dunno. Valid. Refined perhaps. It's almost seems right to be afraid... too much to be scared. Or not. haha....

Errr......wow. Long day. I just realized that this is going to be a very busy month, with the ACF and NCPC retreats both just around the corner. Prayer is of the essence, as well as good time management with my school work and whatnot.

Communcation. It is of the essence. I think sometimes even though you like to keep things unspoken, it's usually better to kinda bring it out, you know? Otherwise people are not sure where things stand, and that stinks. At least that's my opinion. Haha..... Jesus made sure He was clear with the disciples.

Was Jesus a "sensitive" guy? hahaha..... that's an interesting thought. Did he cry alot? Make dirty jokes? He probably laughed alot. I dunno. It'd be cool to know what He was really like. Like one of my professors thinks Jesus would say "sh_t" when he dropped a hammer on his toe as a carpenter... stuff like that. Man. That would be the bomb. I think Jesus would laugh..... sometimes we take things too seriously. (Though other times, obviously, not serious enough.) Or maybe.... we take the wrong things too seriously.

How subtley my prayer life leaves me.... you get tricked into thinking that corporate worship on sundays can take the place of personal time with God... or that Saturday is your "day off" in every way..... you let the mind wander... you let the soul drift....

So easy to get involved with administration and church..... as if it's a club. So easy. So hard to remember that we're just trying to know and love Jesus.

It's funny.... all that stuff I wrote the other day about God becoming real to you.... Pastor Brian hit it on the head today in his sermon. Sometimes I think he reads my mind.

Errr......wow. Long day. I just realized that this is going to be a very busy month, with the ACF and NCPC retreats both just around the corner. Prayer is of the essence, as well as good time management with my school work and whatnot.

Communcation. It is of the essence. I think sometimes even though you like to keep things unspoken, it's usually better to kinda bring it out, you know? Otherwise people are not sure where things stand, and that stinks. At least that's my opinion. Haha..... Jesus made sure He was clear with the disciples.

Was Jesus a "sensitive" guy? hahaha..... that's an interesting thought. Did he cry alot? Make dirty jokes? He probably laughed alot. I dunno. It'd be cool to know what He was really like. Like one of my professors thinks Jesus would say "sh_t" when he dropped a hammer on his toe as a carpenter... stuff like that. Man. That would be the bomb. I think Jesus would laugh..... sometimes we take things too seriously. (Though other times, obviously, not serious enough.) Or maybe.... we take the wrong things too seriously.

How subtley my prayer life leaves me.... you get tricked into thinking that corporate worship on sundays can take the place of personal time with God... or that Saturday is your "day off" in every way..... you let the mind wander... you let the soul drift....

So easy to get involved with administration and church..... as if it's a club. So easy. So hard to remember that we're just trying to know and love Jesus.

It's funny.... all that stuff I wrote the other day about God becoming real to you.... Pastor Brian hit it on the head today in his sermon. Sometimes I think he reads my mind.

YES!

I got a guitar amp. Practically stole it from Guitar Center. Now just gotta wait for the guitar to get here. Man this is sweet.

Man. Things get really hard sometimes. But they are "good" hard things. Learning how to deal w/ people.

Being fair-minded is always not the most important... identifying the wrong person and the right person doesn't always matter. It's getting the problem solved that matters. And when you approve one person or put down another then have taken sides, then you've automatically ruined your position as a peacemaker.

Hm. Mistakes of long-ago. How they come back and haunt me. Sometimes I wish I could've done things differently... but that's ok. Now I know, right? Right.

I realize that I care too much about music when it comes to worship team. I have almost zero ability to lead spiritually. I feel really bad for everyone that's ever worked with me... I mean you can get away with that in acapella music... but not on a worship team, you know? That's so wrong.

Ate at color today w/ Hojhin. Good stuff, if you know what to get.

I am still racking my brains trying to find a guitar amp to go with my new electric guitar.... GEEZ this stuff is expensive. SO expensive. And I'm too ambitious.

What am I gonna do with my life? Don't know... God never told me exactly.... but He told me what I need to do to get there. A few things I know.... to work hard in my philosophy studies and pour myself into ministry...some cultivation of music.... then after graduation to work real hard at music.... I dunno. Something like that. And I'm staying in Boston a long time. Maybe 10 years? I have no idea. Weird. I wonder if I will still feel this way later.

You cannot desire what you already have... you cannot desire what you cannot imagine having...
So desire is not possible without imagination! And there is no actuality without possibility.

Bottom line?

You cannot want to know God if you already "know Him." (LOFTY claim I must say.... to know the infinite when you are a finite being.) Therefore your imagination (your thoughts throughout the day) should be oriented toward what knowing and loving God might be like, if you are to ever desire it. Being that God is infinite, you will never know or love Him completely, so desire will never be quenched.

If you think and talk about things of the world all day with your friends, then of course only things of the world are possible. Sin is possible. Idolatry is possible.
But if you were to think and talk about God with your friends all day, then your imagination flies, and with it, possiblity arises... the possibility to become like Christ. The possibility to live for God.

I think that's why sometimes I wonder how Christians can walk around all day and not talk about God. What you talk about is what you think about.... and what you think about will be what you desire.

I only talk about "Christian" things? Maybe. But I think everything can be a Christian thing. Doing the dishes can be a Christian thing for me. Waking up in the morning is a Christian thing. Talk to a stranger is a Christian thing. OR it might not be. What makes the difference? Your imagination. Your mind. Your heart.

If you go throughout the day and you do not see most of what you do as being done for God, then who do you do it for? Yourself, obviously. Sinners we are... dirty sinners. Don't even realize it.

Some might disagree. Maybe I'm an idiot. Who knows. But maybe we can do everything for the glory of God, like Paul says... maybe. I've been trying it out in little things..... like doing the dishes as an act of secrecy.... practicing that discipline.... not letting the right hand know what the left is doing. My studies.... I've done more studying in these first few days then I did for the first few weeks of any other preivous semester of college.

Ah well. That's enough about that.

Loving God. You first gotta imagine it... what it might be like. That's what scripture is for, anyway, right? It helps you imagine.... and then helps it to become a possibility, then a reality. "How high, how wide, how deep, how long" is the love of Christ. You imagine it first. The infinite nature of love that you might feel. Then you pray to know that truth. And God gives it to you. You read that God is holy, and that people fell on their faces because of His holiness. So you imagine what holiness might be.... then you pray to have a glimpse of His holiness.... and then you tremble.

Or not. I could be wrong, again. But this is just a thought. Scratch pad, remember. This is a scratch pad. Ok I guess that's enough.

Oh yeah. One more thing. I am not advocating cultish behavior or only chilling with "holy people," or having the name of Jesus uttered in every other sentence. Alot of it is inward... and these are just thoughts about how Christians, at least, might interact in different ways. These are just my thoughts and opinions... I understand that people don't always share them. Anywayz, it's funny how alot of times I find that non-Christians are willing to talk about God more than Christians.

Ehhhh....... yeah. I know you do this at the end of the day. But whatever.

Maybe I typed too much yesterday. One time I shared too much with a person, and it kinda made our relationship weird. That was a while ago.... but I dunno. I was reminded of that yesterday.

I am beginning to be able to separate what situations are from how I feel about them. So I may not feel the greatest, with all these things piling on me.... but remembering God's blessing yesterday reminds me where I really am, despite Satan's attempts to tell me otherwise.

Yeah. The devil is a trickster. He gets you really subtely, through your attitude first... I can see how things might go really wrong, or how I might begin to lose hope. The despair is slowly setting in. Gotta pray today. It's a day for praying.

Oh geez. It's already time to leave for class.

1-17-02, Thursday

Funny. I see this as therapeutic. Can't tell everyone everything, right? So maybe they will read random tidbits of mine, eh? Maybe they will not mind reading random stuff. Or if you find this boring, that's fine. It's for me, mostly.

SO.... here it is. I'll post as much as I can without offending people (heck, maybe I'll offend people anyway)... and hopefully someone might get something useful out of my daily grind that might help them in theirs. Maybe I'll even reflect on previous experiences. Eh. We'll see.


I was sitting in class listening to some people talk... can't even remember what they were talking about. But I realized something.... I am not an intellectual. Not in that refined sense anyway. I don't get involved with BC campus life. I don't think about politics or global issues... or read the paper. I don't really philosophize.... my philosophy major... I only learn because philosophy has helped me cope with my life up to this point. Existence would be unbearable without what I've learned from philosophy. Plus, God blesses me through it. Like crazy. =) haha....
Anywayz, why do I want to be an intellectual? Part of me wants to be around people who discuss ideas, talk about politics, religion, philosophy, and music. Like, I feel like that's something I yearn to do, but no one around me does. But then another part of me thinks that such a lifestyle is not me.

This is a question that comes up all the time. Who am I? Is this desire who I am, or maybe it's just me trying to be someone I am not? The problem with sin is that it creates "the way things are" and "the way things ought to be." I can never tell what things ought to be like.




There are two ways we ask questions. With doubt, or with wonder. The latter exists more in childhood. It has less cynicism... less skepticism. The former is more negative. I realize that I have to have wonder, not doubt. Wonder about God and who I am, not doubt. Like a child. Yeah. Doubt makes you negative. It makes you want to prove someone else wrong. Wonder is a love for the truth. It makes you want someone else to be right.




Sometimes I get sad because I am single. Ha. But I realized today.... well lemme see.
Freshman year I used to shoot my mouth off about how Christians in college should probably not date in college for two reasons:

#1) Most of us do not love God. At least not even close to the way that we might end up loving another person. We should wait till we love God, right? Otherwise we will love another more than God... idolatry. Love between a man and a woman is the "second best thing." And I will not settle for second best. (sounds like pride, but it's not, you know? By the way, I am NOT ATTACKING ANYONE WHO IS IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW. THIS IS JUST HOW I VIEW THINGS FOR MYSELF. Other people are a mystery to me, and their paths are different from mine. But pull from this what you like. If it makes you think twice, then that's good I guess.)

#2) There is so much opportunity to connect and meet people, form friendships, and do ministry in college. So few people hear the gospel after they graduate and go off into their own "job-worlds." One might consider taking a temporary vow of collegiate chastity for the sake of the ministry... for the sake of bringing souls into the kingdom of God.

hahahaha..... funny, ironic thing. I still believe these things... and I realized when I was sad earlier today that in fact, I am living this. If I had a girl right now, I'd just be chilling with her all day. No doubt. I'd be crazy about her. I wouldn't be able to serve in the way I am doing now... serving in leadership in both my church and fellowship. What a blessing that God gives me the time to do such things by "keeping me single." Seriously. I was much comforted. Heck, I don't even have time for a relationship. I wouldn't be able to give her the time that I should. And I'm not the man I should be yet.

The more you love God, the more you can love someone else. I wanna learn to love God... and I know that the wait will be worth it, because my love for my wife will be so much greater.

SO I acknowledge how I feel, and I trust God with it. My college life is for God and for the ministry. It is preparation for what is to come. Who knows... who knows. Of course everyone weighs the "options" in their heads. But you gotta guard the heart... and pray.





I went to Noh-rae-bang (Karaoke) with two sisters today. I was in a rather foul mood overall, and still brooding over my incessant lonliness that plagues me, but it's strange... as I sat there, being miserable on my own and wondering why, the love of God came to me. And I realized again... in that oh so familiar way...

God is fond of me. He likes me. He loves me very much. Not just 'cause He has to theologically. But He likes me too. And I was at peace.

His love makes me want to hold my hands up to the sky, dance around, and relish in the love of my heavenly Father. 'Cause I love Him and everything He does in my life. In the end, that's why I do anything, anyway. Otherwise I might've gone off the deep end or killed myself long ago. What is life for, anyway? For the glory. For Him.

The love of God is always there, but it comes to me in power from time to time... it all started when I sought to know His love during my philosophical despair for truth sophomore year... I wanted the photograph to come alive, you know? I was sick of the picture of the bed. I wanted a real bed to lie down in. So I prayed to know the love of God. I prayed for months. And slowly He showed me.... and one morning, I knew that He loved me. Every part of me. So deeply. And it freed me... nothing could touch me. Nothing. And even when those doubts come back, it doesn't ever shake me to the point of despairing completely anymore. His love.... hahaha.... man. All them passages about how high, how wide, how deep, how long.... so alive to me now. The love of God is an ocean pouring into the shallow cup of my heart. I get tingly all over thinking about it. =)

Mm. Yeah. My life is the greatest anyone could wish for. The miserable moments are when I let myself slip back into wordliness... foolishness... and I don't love God.



Part of a song I wrote today, instead of following the schedule in my palm:
The second best thing is always here for me
The second best thing would make it feel alright
But You’re the best thing and to settle now
Would mean that I would make the rock I stand
The second best thing


Wow. This was long. Fun time.