I've been thinking about the far-away-probably-not possibility of doing acapella again next year. When it really comes down to it, I bet I could handle it. Maybe. Haha... and have the rest of my life fall apart. I dunno. It was just fun to think about.

I studied after ACF yesterday, from like ten to midnight in Fulton..... trouble is, I was only awake for like an hour, and the rest of the time I fell dead asleep with my head in my arm at the table.

I think that hour of sleep threw me off, because I proceeded to have possibly the worst night of sleep imaginable. I swear I couldn't sleep for at least half an hour or more, and at some point I started seeing and feeling weird things... and like a sort of.... well I don't know how to describe it... a thing/face.... kinda semi-appeared and I semi-heard the voice of a woman saying something to the effect of "I am Satan" or something. I felt a strange feeling of dread inside me.....and I just remember praying in my mind like crazy and reciting the Lord's prayer until it went away. I say "semi-appeared" and "semi-heard" because there's no other way to describe it. Like I felt like my eyes were open, and I didn't actually SEE anything but I sort of did..... kinda like when someone gives you a camera flash to the eye, and you see that little spot in your vision.... and I "semi-heard" because it wasn't this clearly audible voice, but I can still recall distinctly a woman's voice.
I think I only slept 4 hours total, because I woke up a little past 7 in the morning (I slept past 2)... I felt like crap all over... like being in bed didn't feel good. It felt awful. And Hoj happened to be awake at that time, so while he was getting ready to go to work I was whining and yelling about how crappy I felt. Then he asked if I could drive him to work (complicated) and I suddenly just snapped out of it.

So yeah. That has been the oddest thing yet this semester. I don't really think too much of it... I mean it doesn't affect me in the long run. But it is really odd. I NEVER take a long time to fall asleep, even when I've had naps. And I NEVER see strange things or hear woman's voices.

I had no problem with driving Hoj to work today. In fact, I think it's probably because I miss driving, so any opportunity to drive I enjoy. Also, it's a service I can do someone else, right? Or perhaps is it a mental way to pat myself on the back for being a "good" person? Maybe my motives are all screwed up. Or maybe I am thinking too much again.

Yesterday's ACF was really good. It was about social justice..... and really opened my eyes to remember what kind of world we live in. I think I get real caught up sometimes in my own things..... and I forget how some people live every day while college students stress without enjoying the best of life. I remember getting really stressed about this at Urbana last year...wondering if I was doing the right thing or spending my time correctly.....but God assured me through different experiences that the time is coming when I will know exactly why I am in the position I am in. It's coming...... and I just have to study hard, follow Him as best I can, and be ready and willing.

Timing. Timing is EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.
And no need to be anxious for the moment you want... because it will come and go just like that..... in fact I think my metaphysics class is actually coming in handy here......

Everyone usually views time as a series of spaced out series of EVENTS, rather than a continual process of change. Our lives fluctuate around the weekend, or church, or tests, or vacation..... and when suddenly we hit summer vacation or spring break, we have no concrete "events" to shape our orientation around and we feel lost.

This explains alot. Everyone is waiting for the "time" (event) when something will happen. Waiting for that moment of spiritual growth, or that moment where we will come to our senses about something...... or realize our purpose in life.... or marry the person we love.... when all the time in fact those moments do not stand alone, but have continuous other factors and events which surround them..... you never win the 100 meter dash in the Olympics if you didn't train your ass off for a whole lifetime prior. It is the process. And now that I think about it.... time makes alot more sense when I think of it this way. Yeah. Wow. hahaha......

We are always changing in one direction or the other. Every thought, action, or word brings you closer to God, or farther away. Molding the soul into a sinner or saint.....

Too bad the process can tire you out sometimes, since it's continuous, and it never stops.

Time to start the day. No.... rather, the day is moving. I will not lose it.

(did I sound like a dork there? oh well. Too bad. I like to write like that.)

I have some great brothers on the BC campus. And it's starting to actually feel that way... didn't realize it till this morning.

Sometimes I set myself up to be a friggin lone ranger, when I don't need to be. In the end we're all the same. Really. I think just sometimes people make me feel different.

I hate "ergonomic" keyboards where the keys are split in half, because I usually type the letter 'b' with my right hand, but with this thing I have to use my left.

Yeah... wow. Different day today. Kinda waking up I think..... things have been tough, and some not so great things happened.... but it's all good.

Hm...... yeah I haven't been writing too much lately.... for various reasons I suppose.

I realized today that I do just as much right now as I did first semester sophomore year when I almost died because of over committment.... granted I gave up acapella, which was a seven-hour-and-more-a-week committment, but my other committments expanded to the point where it's still exactly the same. So I'm downsizing yet again.

I really haven't been trusting God lately, and I'm worrying about decisions when in fact I'm not even in a good place spiritually to make them. First things first. I spent all my time wrong today...... missed class, fell asleep in the one I did go to...... but still... got some things straight and had some quality time with two people that I usually don't spend any time with.

I wonder if deep down I am bitter toward people who don't go through suffering that I've been through. Like I've had the weirdest, crappiest things happen to me (all for the glory of God, of course) and I know why I have suffered, and I've learned so much, but still I wonder if possibly there is some bitterness....... some weariness in my soul..... and does this perhaps cause me to impose things on others? LIke a "well, if I have to be miserable, then let EVERYONE be miserable" mentality? Perhaps I am slightly envious of people who are in relationships b/c I have been denied one up to this point. Perhaps I cannot fathom a freshman living his/her life as a Christian and having a great year because mine was so difficult.... maybe when people have faith that I lack, I turn the finger upon the faithful b/c I cannot believe as they do, with my mind getting in the way.....

I suspect it's not really that extreme. But thinking about it does strike a slight chord in me. So there might be a grain of truth to it.

I care about music more than God sometimes. When I first thought if this was the case, I was immediately thinking "heck no, man. Of course I care about God more." But then I realize that everytime I've been the head of a ministry (or an acapella group, in one case), the music did relatively well or very well and spiritually the ministry stunk. So my past and present committments betray this trait of mine.

No doubt, my actions in the past few weeks have not been totally right... or at least the heart behind them. Just real tired again. I miss living with God. Hope to find my way back soon, 'cause right now I'm being kinda pulled in several directions. Who was I kidding the past two weeks? I haven't been spending quality time in prayer or meditation at all..... and my love for God has become cold. Then I point fingers and criticize others when I have no right to.

Thank God for grace.

I have snapped back to reality. I've learned alot, and so I feel different.... but still. I'm back.
Sort of. Ah geez what the hell am I saying. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

You know, it's weird. Everytime I've tried to write in this blog the past few days the website wasn't working or something got messed up.

The past few days have been interesting. I am going to AHANA ball tonight. Why? I can't explain exactly with words..... but I definitely feel like now it's something I should go to. It's weird. This isn't even a "let's just have fun" night. I almost feel like it's part of my worship to God, in a strange way. Like me stepping out in faith to love people in a different way.

That sounds really dumb and like an excuse or like some other crap that I used to look down on people for saying, but I dunno. There is something strange I feel about today. Some one says I am going to learn about myself. We'll see. Though I think I might.

I am in a place unknown to me. God has totally turned my life upside down and into a weird place..... Granted, I am struggling with focus on what's important.... but.... this is a weird feeling. A new place. A new way I am growing as a person. The main feature? I cannot describe it. I can't say "This state of my soul is characterized by blah blah blah....."

Maybe I will snap back to reality soon and realize I was being dumb and deluded. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just being distracted. That kinda makes me fear a little.... maybe wondering if I am letting myself just get caught up in things that I don't need to be caught up in.... like I can see how a year ago or even at the beginning of this semester I would've looked at what I'm doing now and been like "c'mon now... why are you doing this? You're just being dumb."

Or maybe...... I am thinking too hard, and not trusting God.

Sometimes the same things will draw away from God or make you closer to Him. Like sometimes praise and worship music can draw someone away from God because they get so caught up in live music and emotion.... or maybe the Bible can make them think they are smart or something....thigns like that are examples of good things that draw you away, but are supposed to draw your closer......

"Social events have a common tendency to make people kinda lose focus of God....drinking makes you forget sometimes.... or is a substitute for casting your anxiety on God. Or you just like the atmosphere, and it doesn't allow you to cope and deal with who you are..... blah blah blah"

Well that was my view anyway. I don't even know anymore. I don't know about anything anymore.

Time to go. Maybe I'll fly today too... in a different way. Maybe I'll be me today.

wow....long day.

I'm dropping a Beethoven class....... I'm backed up in work, and I've been here before. No more hero games. I'm just gonna drop my first class ever and then move on and do as best as I can in the rest. No need to torment myself.

so tired.......work to do... more revelations later.

You know..... I was really in an awful mood today. Like totally miserable and in a foul mood. "To the glory of God" was definitely not the attitude today.... and I was so mad at myself and disappointed... and wondering where my desire went.... and I didn't feel like doing anything at all.

But I was listening to "Why" by Nichole Nordeman..... and I realized yeah....... it's all for other hurting people.... I mean, everyone goes through crap, but if someone else happens to go through the same KIND of crap as me.... I'll be able to help them out, you know? And I realized Jesus must've been the lonliest guy ever. He was God walking around in a human body. Church must've been awful for him....hahaha.... and he suffered too. Cried tears.... sweat blood.... felt like God had forsaken Him on the cross..... "Why" always brings me home.

I realize that I'm really insecure, and so especially when I struggle spiritually I kinda become very introverted, and I internalize everything and "escape" by philosophizing to make myself feel better or asserting my religion.... or possibly by writing in yellow notebooks in public. (though sometimes I just do it because I'm enjoying myself)

I was thinking about why I didn't think about going to AHANA ball, a BC formal. I've never gone. And I can't go anyway 'cause it's a friday and I can't miss church b/c of my ministry committments, but I realized with formals I just hate being awkward.... and... hehe.. I'm afraid someone might laugh at me dancing. Also, having a date would be more fun. hehe....

I guess it all goes back to growing up.... not having too many friends and always feeling awkward with big groups of people. Alot of times I'm still that way... like that dread of not being liked. Makes me kinda "not like" social situations..... maybe? I dunno. Maybe that's why I don't like karaoke singing always... because I don't know songs... and b/c I might not 'sound good' singing those songs.....

And that's kinda stupid.... but I dunno. And I realize part of that is my own insecurity, and that's something I have to deal with through God's grace. I can't just hide away in "church-land," where I've become real comfortable and assertive and in my element, so people might say. I'm such a praise monkey. hahahahaha.....

Remember that disappointing day in your childhood when someoned snubbed you and you realized that not everyone is your friend? So painful the first time. So bewildered that it could happen... and that people could have broken relationships....yeah. Interesting thought. Totally shapes how you make friends and try to love people later in life.

I didn't fly. Not quite. But it doesn't mean I'm not going to. One day I will. One day.

Sometimes, there is no reason for anything, and you can't ever say anything that'll quite hit on the nose what you are feeling....
I've been feeling like that alot lately, like things are just a blur...

I am in crazy need of some work ethic. It's time to do school work. If you read this, and you see me, ask if I've been studying. I will hopefully say yes.

Just had a chat with someone from church that I've known but never really talked to before.... that was great. I wish I could have one of those more often with more people...... just people asking about each other...... finding out what their lives are about.... what's going on.....

I'm not a real philosopher. I don't think about anything too hard.... I just pretend to think to try to make myself feel better. I think. ha.

Yeah I dunno. The whole yellow notebook deal has been flopping lately. My mind has not been turning as much.... I feel like a creature of habit who can't get the habit straight.

Bam. Bam. A simple turning of the mind and heart.... the focus upon what is important.
It's time to fly. Time to fly, my friends. I believe it.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." - Matthew 13:44

Haha...yeah. Sometimes I think I am beginning to understand that kind of insanity... the willingness to lay down all the other seemingly trivial things of the world in order to gain what God has for me..... of course sometimes that leads to extreme behavior.... and possibly fear when I think things might keep me from God.... but heck, that's expected. Maybe the guy in the parable sold his clothes and his shovel too by accident, when he didn't need to....

Time to fly.

Hm....interesting day today. I guess. I think I am learning the grace of God on my life.... and that my mistakes are my own.... and that it's the heart behind actions, not actions themselves, that truly matter. Trusting God.....

I think deep down I always think there's a sort of "spiritual gauge" that measures my heart condition before God..... but I think I also need to understand that God is faithful no matter what....

Do I let things bother me that shouldn't? Perhaps. Legalistic? Maybe. Sometimes perhaps I am too extreme.... or delve into thinking too much about what I do in my life. "Just have fun." True. But even to "just have fun," that should be done for the glory of God too, I suppose.

Oh, I just don't know anymore. I am constantly rethinking the once-concrete rules by which I used to base my life..... things I've grown up assuming to be true and false, right and wrong........ and sometimes I can say something that makes perfect sense, and it still not be right. How annoying.

Ah yes. Professor Kreeft says, "Sh_t" all the time in class. He says it's a great word and that it's in the Bible several times. He's like, "don't use God's name in vain... use sh_t's name in vain!" Haha.... that cracks me up. la la la la....... actually, it makes alot of sense. But I guess I can't go around yelling "sh_t", right? hahahahahah........ or.......maybe.....I......can......

What the hell..... today, I want to live for God. I haven't been doing that. And I realize something.... (seems like I always do every day.)

Professor Kreeft said in class that the reason the Jews weren't told about heaven and hell or about the afterlife was for motive reasons....and that's why Jesus brought that knowledge afterwards.... because first the motive to live for God had to be not for any later reward, but to be a reward in itself. People had to want to live for the glory of God because that in itself was what brought them satisfaction all by itself..... THEN Christ brought up the fact that there was heaven and hell afterwards..... kinda like predestination. You make your decisions, THEN you look back, and are like, "wow, God had his hand on it the whole time." It's having confidence that when you live for God, you can't go wrong. You can't start out by telling someone "everything's predestined," because it will screw up their motivation, and they'll be like "why do anything at all then?"

I think.... today.... I wanna live for God. Not really because the NCPC retreat is coming up and I wanna be ready for that.... or because such and such is depending on me..... or because I ought to, necessarily...... but I am happiest when I am with God and living by the Spirit, even though my actions may nto show that.

Yesterday in ACF we were asked to repeat the first from.... Galatians 2:20 I believe? The one that goes like this....

"I am crucified with Christ. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live, I live through faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
Or something like that.

Makes me think this morning. To live the crucified life. To let Christ live in you... I wonder what that means. Like is there a "process" of doing that? How do I know if it is Christ living? Well......I suppose it's when your actions are not determined by dumb worldy things, but by things based upon your faith in who God is and what He is doing in the world......

World missions? Me going out? I don't know. I have always felt like my calling is here in the US..... but I have no idea. Uncertainty.... still. I know what I must do today.

The song I wrote yesterday.... I don't like it. Not that much anyway. It doesn't have the "umph."

I've kinda stopped trying to cram myself into my palm pilot as a temporary measure. I'm just gonna try to get stuff done as best I can... we'll see how it goes today.

I was just sitting with a guitar trying this morning to write a song today (I was sort of in the mood I guess), and I realized that I've started to push myself into words.... like I've started to make myself think that how I feel is writable and describable in nice little phrases and that how I feel can be aided by a simple explanation........ so the song sucked pretty bad, basically..... I mean it was ok, and just based on some theme or something....but no inspiration. Not like other stuff I've written.... stuff that burns my soul when I hear or sing it. Yeah... so the sucky song was about how "you have to live in the moment" and not let this moment pass you by. Which is true and good, but I dunno. Didn't help me too much.

But I dunno.... I was just sort of preaching to myself, not really expressing how I felt.... so I started over.... and wrote something totally different.... and that was cool. I kinda like it.... a little dark... but nice. At least it's from me.

And I am officially a rum-nut. I thought I had class at 1, not 12.... so I have to leave now and I'm gonna get to class late. How annoying.

Hm... wasted today, really. Didn't think. Didn't go to class. Didn't do any reading. Wow. I haven't had a day like this since sophomore year. Can't waste tomorrow. But today is gone pretty much.

Wow service was so great today..... it was on fasting... which is awfully odd, because I've been thinking and talking to people about fasting since this year started....

It's scary... sometimes I feel like me and Pastor Brian are on the same wavelength or something... sometimes.

I was talking to someone today, and I realized something.... Asian American kids are jacked up kids at least the many that I've met and observed in my short lifetime. Now, keep in mind, these are broad generalizations, but I've noticed these general trends, in myself as well.

NOTE: I am not bitter. I am just observing off the top of my head. Could be wrong. If you got a problem, email me at hongw@bc.edu. Seriously. I could be very wrong (this seems to happen often), and I apologize if I offend. Also, I am not talking about anyone in particular.

Asian American kids do not usually have real, active relationships with their parents. At best it usually means some kind of superficial or goal-oriented interaction... no heart-to-heart talking or anything like that... this hence renders it more difficult for Asian American kids, especially males, to be at all open about who they are or to even think about themselves, because they have never been taught.

Asian American kids hence have pretty shallow friendships at times, because they have never learned in their families to be very deep... so friendships are not as a whole very deep. They are pretty gay, actually. Usually consists of "doing things." Asian American kids always gotta be "doing" something... they can't sit around and talk or just go chill somewhere like real friends. Always watching a movie or going shopping or talking about material posessions... (ATTENTION: These things are not bad. But they might be bad if that is all we do... and of course I do not blame this upon the parents but more the stand-offish culture... of course I learned respect for elders and whatnot as well as obedience's value so those are not bad)

Asian parents are usually not very concerned with politics... and when they are, it's usually only when the news talks about Korea.... then they pay attention for like 8 seconds. Otherwise, they don't really care. So neither do their kids. I notice I am pretty not into politicis and what's going on in the world, even when we are stinking in the middle of war and there are two large skyscrapers blown to smithereens just a four-hour drive away from me. I noticed that after New Covenant Presbyterian Church (mostly Korean) merged with Peace Presbyterian (mostly Caucasian), it seemed that the Peace folks thought and talked about politics and whatnot a whole lot more than the New Covenant people did.

So we can see that Asian American kids are usually bad American citizens. Usually they talk about money, cars, or having fun. Maybe they get into being Christian. That helps sometimes. But heck, that usually isn't a big topic of conversation either. Nope. Not eternity... just the temporal. Nevermind losing your soul... let's gain the world! Woo hoo! We know all about cars and sports... more than the Bible. We practice Counterstrike and Starcraft tactics more than spiritual discipline. Nah, nevermind fasting, solitude, prayer, secrecy, and the rest of those things Jesus did....

Asian parents usually make their Asian American kids play every stinking intrument on the face of the earth, and don't play any themselves. Heck, some Asian parents don't even LISTEN to music, but they make their kids learn the dumb instruments anyway. So of course Asian American kids don't have much musical appreciation..... just the music their friends might listen to. We don't know too much about oldies or jazz, etc... unless maybe the parents taught it to us, or unless we had friends who listened to those kinds of things... maybe the Asian American listens to Korean music (yes, even if you are Chinese American... you might listen to Korean music. I have seen it before)....maybe. Or maybe the kid goes to church, in which case they might be slightly salvaged into a kid who likes live music and appreciates it to. Maybe. Or maybe they mistake the grandeur of live music for being God, not pointing to God. Then maybe the only time you meet God is in praise time, because you never explore anything else.

Hm..... that's about it. I think anything else I might write is unnecessary and excessive..... but that was what I thought about today, while talking to someone. I dunno. Maybe there is a way we can break the cycle. Maybe me and my lovely friends can start reading the paper together! Woo hoo!

But I dunno. Somedays I wonder why I think, talk, and walk the way I do. So like, I know I'm pretty comfortable talking about the faith, but I am one awful American citizen. And I have no music appreciation, even though I love music.... I think I can tell you my 4 musical influences off the top of my head... people are always like "you've never heart of ______?"

Yeah. Still, everyone's got their problems. Just some observations.... that's all. Not that these are the rules, or that I want to be the white man (hehe no offense intended)... or that I think anyone else is better off.....yeah.

Hahaha........how fickle feelings and emotions are. I can pray again. But it's weird... I am ever aware of my frailty. I think before I was starting to think I was sort of invincible in God's love. But nah.... we're jars of clay... frail beings that hold the unimaginable infinite God inside our very souls. But still, frail beings, you know?

New realization.... yesterday, Bible study was really good.... now I would have to explain, that up to yesterday, for some reason, I never enjoyed Bible study... not the fault of my leader, or the people in my class.... but I just never enjoyed it.... and that's what's funny. Finally God slaps some sense into me and breaks my pride, and finally the things that I thought "no one else was getting," well, they were for me yesterday. I rediscovered the Gospel, in a sense.

Well, that's it for now.

Ah geez..... but the funk still remains. Another insight:

Love is committment. You don't stop loving because some feelings come and go. And God is teaching me that now..... and this is something that will help me in all of my life...

My marriage will not always be able to depend on how hard we work to keep the relationship honest and open... that could still lead to conflict. Feelings could fade... but the committment does not... friendships are the same, and so is anything else I am part of in my life.

Hehe... and they ask why I don't have a girl yet. 'Cause I'm a flaky dumb ass, that's why. I'm not a man... I'm a worm.

Lord, make me strong. I want to learn what you teach me, even if it means screwing up more in the process.

Hm......after more struggle. I realized something today through my devotional book by Brennan Manning....

I've been telling myself, "what happens outside doesn't matter, as long as you are doing ok in your relationship to God." So I was real focused on loving God, and "making progress," as it were, in loving God with all that I am. Nothing wrong with that, really.

But then I realized that where I had let go of being success-driven in my outer life, I had become success-driven in my inner life. My inability to pray had made me despair because I was "failing" at loving God.... and all my usual techniques of pulling myself out of that funk were failing.

Then God reminded me that he is pleased with even my failed attempts to love Him. It's ok if I can't pray sometimes... so I have some peace again. I think this was all a test to remind me that my life does not revolve around success, or even success in my relationship with God... it's dependent on God's faithfulness to me, and that never fails. I had it all formulated into exactly how I might love God with every part of my life... including the fact that I would not impose my legalism on others.... but fact of the matter was, I was being sort of legalistic with myself.... and it was sort of because I loved God, but also under a guise of needing success.....

The Palm pilot, the schedule, the philosophy, and the constant reflection drove me to have the wrong mentality. So today, I'm gonna rest. Be content in God's love for me. I can pray again. A little. And for today, that little is ok.

I realized the other thing that helps break through this dark spiritual cloud that has plagued me lately... scripture. Which is actually quite odd, since I usually can't stand scripture in dry periods. But this one's different.... it's not like a typical one. Almost an induced one.

Lord, help me... I can barely type this sentence without something trying to hold me back and stop me from writing more.

God is really teaching me to trust him these days.

The last few days have been characterized by severe spiritual dryness, and a lot of difficulty praying. I have no idea why... usually, I start praying, ask for the Spirit's guidance... but it's been strange. Literally, every time I have tried to pray, I get sleepy, or my mind can't focus... usually this might happen if I've been sinning, or if I haven't been sleeping, or something else... but that's not the case.

Music has not deserted me, though. It's weird... sometimes music and songs don't move me at all... they seem dry and and uninspiring.... like somedays I can't stand music... and lately prayer has been better than music, mostly. But the last few days.... not much prayer... but music has been good in helping me stay focused. It's funny, because I used to listen to music non-stop all day because I couldn't stand to be silent and be with myself. But I guess I am coming to a balance now.

Girly. Am I girly? Is this blog girly? HELL NO. haha.......la la la la la..... real men are not afraid. But real men also do not cry all the time.... I wonder where the line is. Maybe the line is to be who you are. If you cry alot inside, then cry on the outside, and face your problems so you don't cry as much. If you don't cry at all, something is wrong with you, because this life is sad, so figure out what's going on inside and let it out. Be who you are... my devotional book said that that's what Christ did... he got angry, he cried, he laughed (though that one's not in the Bible... I think that's another joke in itself).... he was Himself fully.

I've noticed that the last few days I've totally lost motivation... like I'm still doing what I need to but my heart has been sapped out of it. It might be that my new committment to exercise is making me tired... I've been sleeping over 8 hours the past 3 days... I dunno. We'll see. Or maybe Satan's trying to mess me up...

I realized that you can write offensive things in the form of song and it's almost ok. =) hehe.... not that I've done that recently, but yeah... you can.

Wow that last one was kinda intense. I guess it was just a moment thing... the prayers just kinda flowed... I usually put those kinda things in my yellow notepads..... but yeah. I'll just leave 'em. haha.... I guess that is part of me too.

God is great. So great. Because He is changing my life... and it happens before my eyes.... as I change, and I am filled with the Spirit to become a lover of God. I can't even describe the joy I feel right now, as I am seeing how God is changing me to live a victorious life under Christ... no longer slave to old sins... so I can live for the glory of God. Hallelujah. Makes me laugh.... I have been laughing and smiling the past 10 minutes... alone in my room, but with God. Filling my mind, my heart, all of me... He is all I ever wanted...

I love You, God. Nothing could ever take your place..... maybe it used to be sex, or companionship with a close friend, or money, or music, or fame, or the love of others.... but not anymore. Nothing can take your place. Nothing even comes close. You make me free... I can love... I can live... I can be free to give because I have everything I need with You.

"You are my world" plays while I enter this... I have to pause every once in a while and cry and laugh... God is so good.

I was so overcome I could not even pause intermittenly to type. I got a glimpse into God's heart... for others... for me... for His glory. The prayers of the saints...

Awaken us, Lord. We wanna see what it might be like if we try to love You.

I awake and have my time with God....... and all my prayers seem to be too shallow. Not quite right. Not quite describing what is in my heart today. I feel like....... I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. =)

The intellect and the learning... the theology and beliefs... all feel rather foreign right now. God is here, but in a way that feels stripped of my interpretation through those things. Love is not even exactly love. It is different.

I recall the first time my mind started turning... or rather, haha.... the first time I ever became conscious of the fact that I was conscious. I became aware of myself. So up to a point, you know, kids run around and la la la la la forever and don't realize that they are awake and alive. It's like animals, almost. But one day, everything seemed unreal. I distinctly remember looking down at my hamburger patty during dinner, dipping it in ketchup and eating it, and feeling awful, like everything was unreal. I watched my own hand move and grasp the fork... and felt (well I realize what it was now) the gap between my soul and body, and how the former controlled the latter. It was so unreal.

So while I was playing checkers with my brother, I just stopped and I couldn't bear it... and I was almost crying because I'd never felt so alone and far away before... I just kept saying "nothing feels real."

My dad took me outside and we walked around the neighborhood for around three hours... and you know, he didn't address anything directly. He just walked and talked with me. The only thing I can remember is how he told me about my grandfather whom I never met... something about how he was a grand silk merchant in Korea and everyone respected him very much..... and after the 3 hours was over, I felt better.

You know, one summer, I just want to stay home, and everynight ask my parents to remember from their childhood on, so I can write it down and save it for my family and my kids too. All the little dumb things too. Just so that I might get to know my parents better. And maybe they might get to know themselves. Because honestly, I don't really know them in some sense.

Only three things you can know about a person, like I've been saying lately...
#1 Your relationship to them.
#2 Their relationship to others.
#3 Things about them... history, personality, etc. (which are mostly environmentally induced, if you think about it.)

I realize that my parents... I only have #1 and #2..... almost none of #3..... or at least none of the #3 that I might relate to, which is their early years.

So yeah. I wanna do that before too much time passes by. I think I would enjoy it alot. Well, on with the day.

Sang came in with my pedal board box empty and said "That's what you get for leaving outside church for 6 hours."

Man. I lost control and pounded the wall and cracked it. And I almost cursed. One roomie says that I cursed but I didn't.... not that it matters anyway. It's the heart that counts. I didn't trust God. And I knew it was coming. I let the anger control me.

I don't think it would've happened that way if I had been spending more time with God this weekend... it was so busy though. I guess it's hard.......they tell you "you have to be too busy NOT to pray." Which makes sense. But it's more complicated than that.

For example.... what if I have to choose between being responsible and praying? Neither choice is responsible. I can't skip class and pray. I can't just go to class and then have no time the rest of the day, you know? You have to do both. Everything has to be for the glory of God. So it starts not at the moment, but even preparing for each day, and making sure you will have time for intimacy with God and also loving Him through what you do during the day. A total game, not a momentary one. It's not like "would God rather have more prayer or more studying?" It's both. And it's possible, or otherwise I'm too busy. =)

Well that's my little thought for the day. I think my yellow notepads are suffering because of this blog.

Had an all day practice for the NCPC retreat yesterday. SO tiring, but really fun.

I can't find my electric guitar's pedal board. I think it got lost in the fray while leaving church. That worries me. But then again, this is one of them times, right? Where I trust God. Either way, it should not bother me. These things happen. I just have to take better care of my stuff.

Augh, but I am so worried. That pedal board costs at least 200 bucks. And I just bought it.

It's a struggle to just drop the act, every part of it, and just be me. To just bare my soul before God. Even when I pray.... I feel the catch phrases going on, and the "things I should ask for" and the "things that should be prayed about" being formulated in my mind. When I drop it all, very different things come out. Or even if you say the same things.... they come out with new meaning. They feel fresh.

Same with people. I want to just be true with people. Bare my soul. Be myself. Not be afraid. Hard, I suppose... when I am not comfortable... or when other people are not. And it's a gradual process to getting to know people, I suppose.... but how gradual? I've known some people for 6-7 years and they have never given me even the smallest kernel to go on.

Dumb questions are good.

Questions like: "Why am I in a bad mood?" or "Why do I not feel so great even when life is good?" Sometimes you get good answers, and different ones than you think. For example.... everyone gets cranky when they are tired, right? Maybe. Or maybe when you get tired, you let your guard down, and who you really are inside surfaces. That's a theory I have, anyway. I notice that when I'm tired is when I have the least control over my attitudes, feelings, and emotions. I complain and whine.....and will probably tell you anything you want to know about me. hahahaha.....

I feel strange during praise.... while I stand in front of people and play guitar and sing... sometimes it's great, othertimes not. Sometimes it wears me out, and I feel like a fatigued runner afterwards. Sometimes I think it was fun.