So I didn't go to Easter sunrise service... figuring I'd be way too tired for the regular church service if I did. I was right.

During our service I was just struck again by realizing how merciful God is to me.

I mean, it's been totally hitting me the past few days how much of a judgemental, prideful, messed-up, over-sensitive, sad piece of work I can be... how I'm so lost intellectually in my beliefs and what makes me tick.....
I mean sometimes I think I don't even believe in Christianity fully..... but God doesn't let go of me... won't leave me alone, even when I ask Him to. And the promises.....the promises... so great. So marvelous. So impossible.

Like, who am I? I'm nothing. Not worth the time... not worth the love. There are plenty of other people who are more qualified... more in control... more disciplined... more selfless....more intelligent....more perceptive.....

But God just blesses me more to make up for my deficiencies....why, I have no idea. And that just broke me today. The great love I am shown.... in every part of my life. And these things that are wrong with me.... He's gonna make them right.

We shall be like Him. We shall be like HIm.....like.... I'm gonna be like Jesus. Not new-improved Mike/Wonho. I'm gonna be like Jesus.

That does not at all adequately describe how I felt today. I had to keep wiping tears through the last 15 minutes of service, and sat in my chair sometime afterwards and wept because of the goodness of God.

And I'm back now...sitting at home after an awesome praise-night practice.....and I know God's got a mighty hand in my life and in the lives of people I see around me....

One time I heard a pastor say "think about the cross until you cry." I thought it was weird, but it makes sense more and more as the years go by.

Holy cow. That rhymed.

I feel like moments like the one I had today..... I see the most clearly. Like God takes the fog away for just a moment and lets me see.... not too long, otherwise I might not be able to bear it... but just so I can remember what my life is about.

When I think of all the work and studying I have to do.... and all the debt I have.... it kinda scares me.... so I get paralyzed and fear doing anything.... or I plan on HOW I'm gonna do it so long that I never do anything....... but I just have to focus.... fix my eyes on God..... and it's all cake.

Who is this that appears
Like the dawn
Fairer than the moon
Brighter than the sun
You're the lover of my soul
Draw me near to You
Draw me near to You

Who is this that beckons me
To come close
Beauty beyond words
Surrounds me when You're near
You're the lover of my soul
Draw me near to You
Draw me near to You

We will run, we will fly
We will be together
We laugh, we will cry
We will be together

Who is this that wipes the tears
From my eyes
Just one glimpse of You
Steals my heart away
You're the lover of my soul
Draw me near to You
Draw me near to You

God met me again on friday afternoon, through people, through His presence.... through the cross. I'm so thankful that He doesn't ever let go.

I find that suffering is much alleviated when you share and find out you're not alone.

Brothers in Christ kick ass.

Yesterday in Bible study we looked at historical proof and background to the cross and the resurrection. It's not like I can believe and live for God just on historical fact... already tried that. And it's not like I would use that to justify it to someone else. It's good to help you know there is a reason for believing, just like there's reasons for believing anything..... but it doesn't cut it. A guy dies and lives again. But it's what He stood for, I guess. And what those acts mean. That gives me chills.

The bloody, almost disembowled body... suffocating... with splinters piercing his back and thorns in his head.....unable to think, unable to breathe.... and it wasn't something He had to do.

He was so capable of just quitting.
He was so capable of just giving up.
He was so capable of exercising his "rights."

My rights. What a trivial thing. I was getting mad over my rights yesterday. What rights? Ha.

I've just been getting impatient and untrusting with God.... but He is still reminding me that this is the training ground.

The day is coming.

If only things were as easy as "woo hoo." If only.

I am very angry, despairing person. I say dumbass things. I act in dumbass ways. And I wish people would go away sometimes. Just get away. You don't want to be near me.

I wonder sometimes......how I'm supposed to do any of this stuff I'm supposed to do.

AHHHHHHHHH............

I screwed up the action on my guitar. Played around with a screw while changing my strings when I shouldn't have, and it takes precise measurements to put it back to where it should be.. Now I gotta take it to the shop. So annoying.

I've been letting alot of dumb little things distract me these days. So stupid. So self-centered. Self-absorbed. Back to reality....woo hoo!

Why why why why why.....

Why do I put up with myself? Why do I put up with people?

Because there is hope. For everyone.

Seems that my mistakes always come back and bite me in the ass.

I have 8 cavities and need to get a root canal redone and a crown on top of that. Great job, eh? Great personal hygeine. Actually, some of the cavities and the root canal are due to poor jobs by my previous dentists....Hoj actually says that I have good personal hygeine overall, and that I do a good job of brushing the back of my last molars. It's more like past mistakes, not recent ones.

Hustle and bustle of the day is over.... I didn't get things that I needed to get done... Lord, I'm sorry.

Solomon got wisdom from the Lord, but his wisdom was not enough. He had plenty of wisdom... but his heart still strayed from God. I think it's possible to get a blessing from God and still have your heart stray... it's not like the blessing will suddenly be taken away, necessarily.
Solomon was smart, but totally forgot the general rules of what Israel's king was supposed to be like...... he was excessive.... loved foreign women.... compromised. Lost sight of the basics.
Philosophy is wisdom, perhaps. But wisdom is not following after God. And neither is pursuit of philosophy, if done for its own sake. Neither is anything else, like going to church or not breaking rules or being nice to people. So it's the heart that yearns after God. And that's something everyone can know with but a moment of inward reflection... where their love is for God.

Where is mine? I don't know today. It seems that I took my eyes off Him because I was so caught up chilling with people and trying to get things done...

Sometimes when I read the Bible it makes me wonder... because sometimes I feel like the words are so foreign.... and that I don't think of things the way they are written.... or at least I feel like how I perceive God is so different.... and I kinda worry about that.... sort of.
The day of judgement is coming.....of wrath... hell... destruction.... redemption... salvation... love one another ... turn the other cheek....
So hard to see all of it. So hard to understand what it is I am actually believing here. Ah, but that is why it's the truth.

Christianity doesn't let you put a pin on it.... doesn't let you have a neat "system" about it.... refuses to be all about the spirit or all about the body.... not just loving with heart and soul, but mind and strength also.... there are rules.... but there is freedom. Slave to Christ.... free to be.

I realize that alot of my actions and my desires stem from fear that somehow life is going to pass me by. That I will miss the boat. That God will not bless me. That I will not get to where I'm going (wherever that is). No trust in me... so I get all riled up and take my eyes off what's important.

Idealistic, not practical.....I always grasp the ideas (which is very important).... I fail to hone the practical skills to put them into use. And that is what God is trying to teach me.... and that is what I am constantly ignoring these days.

These past few days have been interesting.

I realized again that I'm not the center of the world... or the center of power... or even that which I should put my hope on. What a relief.

Someone told me the other day that the obsessive use of my palm reflects some sort of spiritual I have inside.... that I always gotta have control or rules, etc etc... .sort of true, sort of not. I DO however, obsess over what I need to do and do not end up doing it when the time comes. So I have actually resorted to putting the important things in the palm to remember, and playing other things by ear a bit more.

Alot of my friends are struggling these days.... and even the ones that don't seem to be are in a bad place too... just so much lax behavior, and living life as if we are so important and our lives are the center of God's plan. No prayer. No grievance to sin... no crying out for souls to be saved... no awareness of the dying world we live in...

Maybe we should be fasting for struggling friends and unsaved people? Weeping for dying people in other countries? Praying for the people who are not even legally allowed to hea the Gospel? I wonder where this has gone to. In me... in others... in people around me.

I don't pray with my friends too much. Well, a few of them. And sometimes I wish that were a more common thing. It's funny... it was pointed out to me by Hoj that you can't pray with friends you have strained relationships with. So like when his friends would have arguments, they would talk it out, and then try to pray together to end it, and then one of them would stop be like, "Dude, it's still not cool. Let's talk about it tomorrow." hehe.... And so they would always resolve things to the point where they might be able to pray about the matter together.

What a great distiller and refiner of relationships. I think bringing God into things always helps so much. Because you can tell immediately if your heart is not right in the matter.

Why don't we pray together as Christians? So odd. It should be the bread and butter of what makes friendships. I wonder why. Definitely I know that I have a few relationships in which that is a normal constant thing.... and I definitely find that the focus and depth of those relationships is awesome. I think it all started back with my older brother...yeah.

What a tool of Satan... to keep us from praying.

I've been sleeping ridiculous amounts lately.... I slept almost 12 hours last night, with a slight 20 minute lapse of consciousness in there somewhere. No idea why. Perhaps some discouragement?

So Good Friday and Easter are already upon us. I am afraid almost. When I think of the cross... I tremble a bit inwardly. I don't know what it means... I don't know exactly what the cross has done... it's so mysterious. So cruel. To have the courage to call it "good" is amazing. To claim to understand what is going on up there, and why it makes sense....

Like why are the rules of the universe that some perfect person has to die to save the many? Why does that make any sense at all? What are we being saved from?

The fall was the breaking of love. Of relationship. The cross is the restoration of our ability to love God and one another. I can love. I can give of myself and not grow weary. I can be a lover of God and of people now.

Easter?!!??! Let's not even go there. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be there. I start to, and I get scared.

Whenever I really begin to imagine these things... the crucifixion, the resurrection... when I imagine an actual man Jesus, who lived and breathed and took a crap like the rest of us.... when I picture in my minds eye being there as these things happened, I get afraid. 'Cause it gets so real that I don't know if I believe it.

So easy to see the ideas in your head... to keep Jesus as a nice "God" image in your head, like a character in a book.... even God..... to keep Him as a fairytale Bible character that infiltrates our lives and minds every once in a while in a tingly feeling or emotional experience.. that is nice. To see Him as He is.... to even begin to understand that Jesus was a guy. A man. With a penis. And hair. And eyes. And he would get cut while carpentering... and he would bleed.... and he screamed in pain.... and he cried so much because he loved and would not be loved back by His own people..... and he loved with a longing that I can't even start to believe.....

And He was God.

I don't know. Makes me want to run away. I feel so... unworthy before this man. And I question Him and doubt Him, when He was and is so real. And I let my emotions become god. And I let my problems become bigger than Him.

So weak, am I.

And supposedly He's here now. And He lives in me. And He makes His home in me. And He empowers me. The same God. Jesus. Holy Spirit.

Either I am insane... or this is something I will want to yell at someone about next time I see them.

And He was weak too. He was so tired. He didn't want to die. He had been so hurt time and time again by the people He was in love with. But he let it go, and died. He stretched out his arms, and his heart burst... literally. He said, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" and felt like he was all alone. But he held on because he loved God the Father.....

and because he loved me.

When I really think about this... everything just melts away. And this man.... this is the man I want to be like. Not stable, necessarily... not unemotional... not untormented... not calm... but someone who would stretch out his arms, get slapped in the face, get spit on, and still love anyway. A man who will weep because he sees the pain... a man who will go about his entire life seeing sadness and no end to it... And stick it through to the end, and never stop opening his arms, and never shrink away in fear of getting hurt again, because he loved that much.

And when I think of this... I understand again. I find rest again. Peace comes again. Because I know I'm not alone.

I am pretty lost...have about 5 hours of video to watch before tomorrow 4PM... and I have to write a journal, and it was stressing me out before...

I have friends who are struggling, and don't know what to do.... family members who are so tired and depressed and alone....

But I know Jesus cares for them. And today I pray for them. God help us today.

(by the way, this is a FRIDAY NIGHT entry... dumb blog makes it saturday since it's past midnight)

You know, in the past few weeks I've had contact with two new people, and with both of these people, I knew we were gonna be friends by the end of our conversation. Or at least I think so.

I like meeting new people.

My lack of prayer lately is blaring in my face......
My lack of studying is catching up to me.
My lack of sleep caught up to me real quick in Bible study today.

It occurs to me that last entry I just sort of blabbed my mouth off about how I didn' t know stuff, and then I didn't pray about it. Geez. Will I never learn?

I'm so blessed with thoughtful, loving people in my life. I don't even understand sometimes.

It's funny.... I was about to pass out and then I can somehow muster the strength to get on the computer and type an entry into this blog. Suddenly I have some alertness..... how ridiculous. Somehow, if one could only learn to have better control over the mind......

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or view myself or the world. The endless paradoxes.....

Someone has mentioned that I don't know how to relax. Hm.

I suppose that's true. If you had a lover that was tearing his hair out trying to "make his motives pure" and trying to love you with all his heart but he made alot of mistakes, you'd tell him, "relax. I know your heart." But of course, tha'ts one side of the coin.

The difficulty comes where God is not only lover, but friend, and king, too. So from a lover's standpoint it might work... from a friendship standpoint too... but there is also the aspect in which God is Creator and King. Nichole Nordeman has a song called "tremble." I think that pretty much describes what I'm trying to say. With God being so infinite and indescribable, it's hard to tell where my standpoint in relation to God should be.

You know... different mental states! Like... there's the way you perceive different kinds of people you know.... your family, friends, acquaintences... people you fear (though of course this isn't healthy), people you respect, people who are your peers......

Somehow, God is all of those things. He exists in relationship to me on all those levels, and more.

So as I sin today, how do I see it? Do I weep at the sadness of my depravity? Do I shake it off because God loves me? Do I think about it and provide logical conclusions? Do I just spit out a quick confession?

Hm. I suppose there is no conclusion. And I know most people will tell me, "just do the best you can." So true. You do your best when you think and research, but you don't stress out about it. Like taking a test. Sort of. Heck, who am I to be an expert on taking tests. I barely study.

"It's important to care, not important to find the answer." - me.

Even as I think of God and want to turn to Him now... it's funny. The words just melt away. A friend told me words are just metaphor, so that when you can't find words to describe something, it's just that you are lacking a metaphor. No doubt. God is not all of the things I think of Him as.... He is none of those things.... He is beyond all things.

Lovely.

God is so amazing... always speaking to me in His time, and always when I pray.

I couldn't even tell you how I felt while walking to ACF on tuesday. It was a feeling I cannot describe to you. You don't want to be awake. You don't want to sleep. You don't want to live. You don't want to die. You don't want to tell anyone about it. You don't want to keep it to yourself. You're not sad or depressed...you're not anything. You get the idea...

I suspect now that this is what happens when I have suppressed emotion that begins to surface. I felt the same way freshman year when people in the acapella group made fun of the way I sang the worship medley that was in our repetoire. I didn't know what it was at first, and then realized later.

I almost didn't even make it to ACF. I stopped walking several times. I had strange thoughts of quitting it..... I wondered for a few moments what it might be like to leave church.... how I might get away from everyone that would ask me what was wrong so I could be rid of all of this......it was strange.

But somehow I picked up my feet and made it to ACF. But I was still going crazy. And with what I didn't know.

So after a while.... it sort of crystallized, and became recognizable emotion. I was frustrated and angry. I had started the day out right but ended up just totally screwing it up. It is one thing if you mess up and you just "ruin your day." But me, I'm psycho. Too extreme, some say. Oh well. I try to do everything because I love God. So I view my actions throughout the day as actions of love... or as having a lack of love, therefore.

I was so tired of trying to love God, and it never going right. So angry that my will was never strong enough, and that every time I seemed to make progress, I would be brought back to square one. Miserable, tired, and lost.

I guess this all relates to my recent struggles with "rules" and "gray areas" and all that other stuff.... and just how God's been showing me that I've been going about alot of things all wrong, when I thought I was doing them right. I was so disappointed and angry.

Though it wasn't directly related to my struggle, ACF encouraged me, for some reason. Well, I guess it is related in some ways to my struggles, since dating is a sort of gray area that I "had rules" on.

But at some point, I had to face something. Here was the question that I almost felt like God was having me ask myself:

Even if this never gets any better....even if you fail all day at trying to love God... even if you never find any more stability... even if you are unfaithful till the day you die.... will you still try anyway? Will you still try to live for God? Is it still worth it to try and fail for God?

And I had to say yes. I would rather be miserable like this forever than be slightly more content while forgetting this life.

And then I realized again that God is pleased with me now. That my failed efforts and my rebellious heart... my unfaithfulness and my chasing after everything else except God... somehow.... somehow... Christ has made it clean. It IS love to God now.

Or something to that effect. So I was renewed.

It's funny. You have a moment where you realize something....and it frees you. And then without knowing it, you very slowly start putting the chains back on, and enslaving yourself all over again.

So today wasn't perfect. I didn't quite do things right.... turned in my paper late....didn't have the greatest QT.....I think I said some things I shouldn't have to people.... I did alot of things that I knew had wrong motive. But it's ok, somehow. And I can't wait to get up tomorrow and try again.

Or at least I think that's what happened anyway. I could be wrong.

The paper wasn't even due last wednesday. He extended it till THIS wednesday. Praise the Lord..... and I've been worried for no reason. No reason at all. Seems that this is a theme in my life I've been learning alot of lately.

Ha. HA.

Praying. Always forgetting that part....... I get all riled up over assignments or stuff I have to do... and then I realize that I haven't prayed about it. Besides, all the worrying usually happens BEFORE I do my dumb assignments.

I realized today that I am a sinful, people-fearing, self-conscious, insecure person.

I thought I had stopped doing this, but I still do: I use my familiarity and security in the "Christian walk" to assert myself over people. I am really comfortable around Christian people and in the church setting. Why? I have this dumbass notion that my faith is deep or good or "oh, so sincere" and so I place my confidence in that. It's almost like I use God as leverage to be comfortable with people.

I fool myself into thinking, "Yeah, I"m getting over this lack of confidence thing. I am definitely learning to find security in God." Then I get put into a non-church/Christian environment... and of course the facade is exposed. I just get kinda quiet... untalkative... I don't even know what to do sometimes, or how to interact. I'm not "in my element," so to speak, and so my misplaced confidence becomes very clear to me.

So back to square one. Repenting of placing my confidence in the wrong places. I point and accuse in my mind all day, and do not see the deception going on in my own life.

Lord forgive me. Teach me security based on Your love, not my own merit.

Considering everyone else better than yourself. Somehow, you're supposed to do that without feeling like a worm. Ah, nevermind. When you're humble you're just not really thinking of yourself at all.

Mmmmmm....... yeah.

You know, there are a few things which I have forgotten. Though I dunno anymore.

Stories are only similar at best. They can never be emulated perfectly. You cannot take someone else's life and place it into yours. You cannot see someone else and tell yourself "I'm gonna be just like them." You gotta write your own story. Have your own decisions. And yet... you should draw wisdom when you can from the appropriate sources.

I have a paper that was due last wednesday. I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do about that.

I was given the opportunity. It was small and brief, but I see it opening a bit. It was good.

However, I have noticed that I often plan things and don't quite stick to them. Is this lying to myself? Perhaps, in a small way. And also, I find that days go the best when I do what I planned to do, because those are the things I needed to do.

Trust. Real trust. And repentance when I do not. So important.

Someone told me yesterday that Jonathan Edwards, whenever he felt in a rut, would just get down and repent of every sin he could think of in his life.

Bingo.

Anything you are anxious or worried or stressed out about is something you are not trusting God. And that's what sin is. Not trusting God and His laws and His promises.

I got down to pray, and I was so distracted, and all these other things came into my head, and I even started to doubt that God existed... but I confessed... and I prayed... and I confessed and repented....and I asked for forgiveness.

Yeah. It all opened up again. I've been so selfish, and untrusting of God. Worried about my life... about relationships with people, papers I haven't done, school, my life, even my spiritual life. I haven't been trusting that God's promise to finish the good work in me.

What a relief to trust Him today. I feel like a large weight left my back. And not worrying about yourself means you can focus on others too.

I've started praying for me and all the brothers and sisters I have to be given opportunities to share our faith. I was reading how Paul was encouraging someone to share their faith so that they would more fully receive what God had for them. Yeah. We want everything, God. Bring it on.

I am still screwing up.

The key is not to stay down, but to get up. No moping. Just action.

You know, I join a ministry, end up heading it, do a miserable job, burn out or overcommit, and then end up leaving and letting someone else more capable do it. This has happened twice now in my college years. Each time I think I might do a good job... and I don't. First ATC, then ACF praise. But with ATC, the group actually got better after a while..... same with ACF praise I think. Paul will do a great job at it. He's really got the heart for it.

My stomach is hurting right now. Dang College Sub. I feel really weird.

You know, I shouldn't have waited so long to do my midterm. It just threw off the entire day and spiritually I messed up and physically I feel crappy.....

It's Yong Sim's birthday......cheescake factory.

Man. I've really lost the focus I had in the beginning of this year.....From september 'till now has been a regression in alot of ways. I am forgetting things all the time, and so I am falling back to old ways.

For example:

#1 Not admitting when I'm wrong, and instead defending myself or trying to make my wrong seem a little more positive. I do this constantly.... and for what reason? Just my own pride. My fear that being wrong will make me less of a person.
#2 Not being aware of the spiritual situation of things. I have been kinda dead these days....... I mean, of course I am still a believer. I still follow in a way.... but the fire has gone, because I refuse to flame it. My faith and the will God has given me are both being neglected, and instead I've been living aesthetically, and going with the flow..... I have not decided to follow Jesus much, and haven't decided to do anything at all alot of times. I just let the steering wheel go, and think things will be fine as I drive down the highway of life.
#3 My discipline is failing....my desire for discipline.... to practice fasting, solitude, and silence. I just give into lonliness and don't hunger after God.
#4 My committment to ministry and to my friends.... where did THAT go, for heaven's sake? I've been a pretty awful friend lately..... I dunno. Just all over the place.

Yeah. What the heck is going on. And this midterm is harder than I thought.

I have forgotten the vision, and the dream... the purpose. The reason God has brought me thus far, and in this way. I'm losing time.

Predestination makes you unafraid. You can give it your all, with all your heart and soul and mind, and know that even if you fail, it's all coming together in the end for good and for ultimately God's glory. Now.... if I could just believe that, and run. So weak am I.

It's like the kid that planted a seed and would jump over the growing plant every day so that by the end his jumping ability was so ridiculous he could fly like 87 feet in the air over an oak tree.... ok. Not really. But you know what I mean. Discipline.

I trust my own viewpoint too much, and so I get discouraged.

I have promised Hoj that I would not use IM while doing this midterm which is due in about 10 hours.... so I'm gonna just scratch a few things into this to entertain myself.

Prayer is always answered. My older brother has a friend in seminary.....this guy, get this...he prays for money. He's a missionary's kid, but he gets everything he needs from God. He literally just prays for money.... whenver he need something for the glory of God, and God provides. He's one of the only Korean seminarians at Princeton with a car.....so ironic. Missionary kid with the least money.... the guy just prayed and somehow got the resources and money to buy a used car for like 9000 or something. He wrote a paper on it too for class....

And I realize such is the case with myself. Whenever I have truly asked God and prayed in faith, He has never failed to provide and answer. I mean, with ministry at times I was being selfish or wanting "results" to take pride in.... or I was putting my hope in ministry and not in God.... but really. Back in New Orleans, we employ some college/grad students to help out in the business.... and one day it was pretty slow at the stand. So i was sitting there, chilling with this Noona (term for older female in Korean), and I realized that we hadn't even sold enough to pay for this girl's salary for the day. We would definitely lose money, you know? And that wasn't cool. So I prayed.... and this I could do sincerely, I guess, because I knew that this was something I could ask for.... "God, please. Help us sell enough in this last hour just to pay for her."

That was all I had faith to pray for, I guess. I mean, even that...I wasn't sure if I believed it or not. But sure enough within an hour we sold more than we had all day, and it was just enough to pay her salary and keep us from losing money in that respect.

I never receive because I never ask. Everything I have ever needed and asked for God has given to me. Even if I didn't "need it," but I knew wanted it for God's glory, God provided. Physically, spiritually.... everything.

I realized that until this past week I was thinking about the summer in terms of money, and basically serving money. It was all about getting rid of debt, and making money for next year. I was so worried that I wasn't doing things for the God. My brother gave me good advice.

"Find out what you want to do this summer. Have a dream. Then ask God for the means to carry it out." SO true. Letting money work for me and for God's glory, not me working and living for money's sake. Now, the hard part. I just have to really figure out what I want to do.

I am getting very restless musically. But I know God is urging me to focus on philosophy. Speaking of which......time to get back to the midterm.

So I'm back.

I am so glad my parents moved to New Orleans. I mean, of course I'll miss Miami and the few friends I had there and the church I grew up in, etc.... but still. New Orleans is such a better situation for my parents. The mall we're in is SO much better than Downtown Miami.... no haggling, nicer people (southern folk hehe), less stealing, and business is better than the sort of negative-income-economy that exists in Downtown Miami. And..... the food and the city KICK ASS. Went to a buffet place last night... oh man. And Po'boys...(aka philly cheesesteaks in other areas)... man. So good.

I was talking with my brother yesterday, and realized how numb and desensitized I've become to the reality of Jesus, and the story of the Gospels. Like... if I was there... I think my heart and mind would be totally different. There is so much symbolism and imagery in society today, to the point where you forget what's real and what's not. It all becomes a game, not the overwhelming reality it should be.

I have decided a few things.... tentatively.

Ho man..... intense allergies today for some reason. I sneezed like at least once per second at least 6 times once.... it was nuts. And my nose is running....

One of the PK's at my parents' church.... this little guy. He's this little guy.... who goes to school with all white kids... and my mom says sometimes he asks his mom why he's different, and that he wishes sometimes that he was born a white kid. So sad. So they say that me being around has sort of given him a "role-model" to observe, since I'm a Korean-american older guy person. crazy. I remember how I used to look up to older people when I was his age. I'm so humbled. Seriously.... them older people really can make or break your life when you're that age....

I've been overly worried about life lately, and haven't been praying enough. More prayer, less worrying. Such an easy equation.

My midterm is due on Monday.... I can't believe she made it due the DAY we get back. That is ruthless. However, it also could've been in class the week before spring break. So I can't complain. It's just pretty hard, and this is where the missing class and the lack of note taking is catching up a bit on me.

I have been getting back into scripture, though, and that's been really great. You're always like "you, he was such a dumbass for doing such and such and forsaking God...." hehe.... and then you're like... "oh yeah. I'm a dumbass too."

Is dumbass a bad word? I remember "ass" was SO taboo growing up, and I got to BC and everyone used it so frivolously that I've sort of "compromised" myself now. Kinda bothers me, kinda doesn't. Actually, I think I use it now not because of other people... but more because my view on words has changed a bit..... oh well. Would I say "dumbass" while praying? Maybe. Ok. So it's ok.

You know, you always forget how the Pauline epistles are so great at reminding you of what's important. Living at peace with one another... loving people. Always praying... giving thanks. Treating others better than yourself. The things you forget just like that.

I think it's not the "God is the school principal" mentality, where he's a really merciful nice principal who doesn't put stuff on your permanent record. It's like having a loving father. But then again, alot of times we don't have very loving fathers. Which makes it difficult, and makes God another demanding, "you must do such and such" kind of God. So sad.
Some people aren't taught to do things for the love or enjoyment of them. They are just told "you gotta do what you gotta do," or "for the family," or "for money." Hence alot of apathy.... b/c by the time you get to college, you're sick of doing what "you need to do" for the glory of the family, or because you have to do it to survive in life. There is no enjoyment or love for anything except what is immediately enjoyable..... TV, Movies, dance music with pounding beats, the opposite sex, drinking, and good food. The immediate.

Nobody taught us to enjoy anything, so we just enjoy the things that don't need to be taught. No one taught us to enjoy God... or our families... or our friends. So then what happens when the we hear "I love you" from God? It is either shrugged off, or accompanied by some guilty feeling.... we don't know how to take such a concept.

It's like speaking another language, or trying to explain bubble tea or Anna's Taqueria or Hoagie Haven or Buffalo Joe's or a Haagen Das Bailey's Shake or a filet mignon or a philly cheesesteak to someone who has never had it. (if you are unaware of any of these... please contact me immediately and I will educate you on how you might learn of these things. It is very important. hehe....)

Bottom line.... we don't know how to be loved, because we've never really been loved before. Even the most fortunate of us... such an incomplete notion we have in our minds.

So the Holy Spirit perhaps teaches us to understand's God's love... and how to live life and love others with that as the center. Maybe. I mean, of course justice and wrath and all that is in there too. But this is the core, I think, if God is love like John says.

Wow. Too much rambling (someone mentioned that I ramble in this blog. Sorry. I actually streamlined this one, believe it or not). Time to go do midterm.

So I am in New Orleans right now with my mom.

I went to two services today for church.... one was a good old Southern Baptist American church service..... the other was a very small korean baptist church service....

I've become a bit critical about preaching and pastors. I dunno. I realize why I liked Tim Keller's message when I heard it on friday, other than content (which of course is most important)...... his tone of voice. It sounds tired...but humble most of all. He is not condescending.... but honest. Himself. And that always touches me too.

It's funny how kids swear that we don't know what they do when we're not looking. As if we weren't kids once. As if I didn't learn about sex when I was 6 years old. As if I didn't curse my brains out when I was in 4th grade. Actually, though, I thought I was being pretty revolutionary. hehe....

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a secret mission. And I don't know who's in on it. Well sometimes I do. And that's what scares me.

It's been a while since I did this.......let's see.
I had some crazy mood swings... I had become very bitter about my life.... was SO sick of everything and all my responsibilities and the fact that nothing ever went right when I lead ministry.... Yeah. I was flipping out on Thursday.... going nuts. Pissed at the world. And I sort of calmed down and managed (with the help of friends) to calm down that day. I thought that it was my "good" deed of the day. Controlling myself of anger and bitterness, which I deserved to have.

But today, in bible study, we were listening to a sermon tape (well CD actually but sermon CD sounds weird)..... and I realized that I've been so far from God. I've been angry and bitter because I've been judgemental and self-righteous, just like the older son in the Prodigal son story: "I've done EVERYTHING right (which in my mind was trying my best to love God)...... surely I DESERVE better than this! Why do other people get to just live and not have to deal with the sh_t I deal with!?!?!"

I've been all about my rights, and what I deserve, when I don't deserve anything, and not just my evil but even my good deeds have kept me from God. That's why God humbled me by taking away my ability to pray a few weeks ago. I figured "hey, I've been resting in God's love. I've been spending even sometimes 2 hours a day w/ God... surely now I DESERVE to be trouble free and living a victorious life! At least that much."

I've been so judgemental about others. Somebody else makes a mistake or screws up or doesn't think about something before they do it and I'm like "GEEZ YOU IDIOT. I would NEVER do something like that! How OBVIOUSLY wrong is that?!?!?" And all the while I would build myself up to be a "caring" person who cares about someone else enough to have their faults distress me. I was really just being a judgemental, unloving, selfish person. I didn't give a crap really.......I haven't been saying things out of love. I haven't been forgiving at all.

And God blesses me so much. He loves me so much. And I forget all the time.

Eh...... I've learned these lessons before, the hard way..... I mean, some people never get a chance to see love in action..... so they never try it. They never try loving people instead of getting angry at them or anything like that because they've never seen it "work." I've seen it work so powerfully.... .and yet I forget. I'm really worse than anyone else.

I find that I cannot stand faults in other people when I am not being able to stand my own faults. When I can't accept myself, that is when I cannot accept others either. People judge me, and I think "you prick. You couldn't even begin to understand what I have to deal with." Then the next moment I yell "HELLO, fool. Deal with your crap... it's not a big deal. You are just unwilling, you dumbass."

I forget He loves me. I forget those moments where the eternal and unconditional acceptance of God brought me to tears and made me dance around and laugh and just be filled with the love of God whenever I saw anyone.... in those moments, nothing could touch me. I could've hugged anyone I saw and with all my heart been like "Jesus loves you, friend. He really does. All the way." I didn't care about who it was or what they "did" or where they came from or what they thought of me. I was free. Crappy ministry didn't matter either. Whatever.... I knew we were all just sinners trying to figure it out and trying to get back to God. And I knew God was working.... and it would make me laugh, 'cause I knew there was no need to worry.

Such a difficult place to remain in. But I want to go back. Yeah. Bring me back, Lord.

So I leave in a few hours to New Orleans for Spring break....... wow. I need to think things over.... pray. Remember. Talk some things over with mom. Do my midterm that's due the DAY we get back. Hopefully I'll keep updating this thing while I'm there too.